Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Due to unemployment should students learn the work skills instead of studying?

minhthptbg 2 / 2  
Aug 5, 2020   #1
In certain countries, unemployment is so high that some have suggested children should stop their education after primary school to learn skills necessary to join the workforce.

Do you agree or disagree?

In some countries with high joblessness, there is a common assertion that children's giving priority to learn essential skills to meet the demand of labor market after their elementary level is of paramout importance. However, I personally disagree with this suggestion and this essay will shed the light on justification why I am not in favor of it.

To embark on, it is undisputable that abolishing children's access to upper academic programme leads to the significant shortage of fundamental knowledge and intensive expertise which prevent them from satisfying the speciality of their future job . For example, if you wish to apply for the post as an accountant, you have to cultivate relavant job skills regarding the ability to analyse financial data, the comprehension of Computer Science and the impressive command of English language which are significantly attributed to formal schooling .Additionally thanks to high-level education, you are assured to attain quality qualifications which are considered to be chief determinant that the employers are inclined to assess whether you are qualifed to work or not.

Futhermore, schooling system offers students subjects like sports and music which are regarded as indispensable soft skills . While they may not be directly useful in securing employment, they indirectly make a candidate more employable. Apart from technical expertise, firms currently attach greater attention to credentials such as adaptability, originality and communication skills and to some extent they are ground-breaking elements which makes you superior to other candidates . These attributes are likely to be attained in experiences like playing sports and music. Hence, attending school after primary level is terribly justifiable due to its potential to make people's employability higher and higher.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that stopping children's education after primary school does not improve the uneployment rate , however, it even worsen the situation .
Veronica11 3 / 9  
Aug 5, 2020   #2
Hi! Here are my suggestions for you. Hope this helps:

"undisputable" => "indisputable"
"satisfying the speciality of their future job" => "satisfying the specialty of their future job"

Also, there are quite many spelling errors in your essay like "Futhermore", "relavant","paramout",....
minhquan20 2 / 5 1  
Aug 5, 2020   #3
Hi, I have some suggestions for you.
"Paramount Importance"
Moreover, I think your conclusion is just fine but for me it í too general as it do not summarize any information in the body. Because of that, I could pick your conclusion and attach to other essays without any problems. You should make your essay become more unique.

For example : I firmly believe that stopping ... rate due to its lack of fundamental knowledge and intensive expertise
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,974 4811  
Aug 5, 2020   #4
Your paragraph presentations tend to be confusing at times. The confusion most likely comes from your lack of proper English sentence structures. You should work on developing your sentence presentation skills. Google actually has a free app for that. You may find it useful while you prepare for your test.

As for your discussion, you accidentally did it in reverse. The essay would have been better presented, and received a better score if you had provided your discussion regarding high school soft skills development before the college discussion. After all, the prompt was asking about having the student stop studying after their primary education, so high school would have been next, then college. Use the correct discussion progression in your presentations for coherence and cohesiveness scoring considerations.

Writing 304 words did not really help your essay because you made several notable errors in the spelling, grammar, and clarity sections of your presentation. Had you written only 275-290 words, you would have probably had some time left over from the 40 minute writing allowance to spot and correct those errors.

Home / Writing Feedback / Due to unemployment should students learn the work skills instead of studying?
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳