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Empowering the societies with the most effective-functional policies to maintain their advance


behieli 7 / 19 4  
Apr 6, 2016   #1
What a government should do to empower a society?

In highly competitive world of today it is every government's responsibility to equip a society with the most effective functional policies to maintain its progress and advance.

To reach this crucial goal, the first step can be to cement a friendly international relationship with the world.
International affairs will help a country to have access to opportunities and experiences of other nations and share it's own with the world as well. In addition, it will avoid unnecessary conflicts with the world. Instead of wasting a nation's energy and resources over military purposes a responsible government designate its economical resources for advancements in culture, art and science. And this leads us to the second most important function of a responsible government; to improve and upgrade the educational system. With an enhanced and advanced educational system the handling of the social and economical problems hastens. A society, which values the art and culture, can survive the local and international crisis in a more civilized and logical way.

In addition, an effective government should provide equal employment opportunities for educated people of society in suitable positions. An unemployed educated power faces the society with social problems.

Providing a country with a stable economy is the third most important duty of any responsible government. A stable progressive economy system ensures its citizens to function properly and ensures them to investigate on local industries.

In addition, distributing the opportunities equally for people of different social classes will prevent social conflicts and discouragements. However, there should be enough encouragement to compete and gain the privileges of higher educational and social grades for young generations.

In conclusion, reaching to an effective international relationship, an advanced educational system and a powerful economy, in addition to stable social system are the most important principals any successful government tries to reach.

bastian20 10 / 16 2  
Apr 6, 2016   #2
Hello Behieli, to be honesty, readers will confuse to differ your paragraph. Actually, you organize your notion outstandingly. However, you should take into account dividing paragraph. I personally argue that it is extremely crucial. This is because it will determine your band score. In addition, you should reduce for using same word in one paragraph, indeed in one sentence.

A stable progressive economy system ensures its citizens to function properly and ensures them to investigate on local industries.

just utilize this word once

However, there should be enough encouragement to compete and gain the privileges of higher educational and social grades for young generations.

it will be better use word "adequate" since this word has advanced class and will improve your score. I hope this feedback will be valuable for your writing in the future.
Ester Napitupulu 18 / 25 3  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hii behieli,

I like your ideas.
Here is my suggestion for you, and I think some of your sentences still not clear to describe your main idea that you want to give to the readers in each paragraph.

Keep trying to write. :)

In addition, by distributing an equal opportunities equally for people from different social levelclasses will prevent from social conflicts and discouragements.ThereforeHowever , there should be enough encouragement to compete and gain the privileges of higher educational and social grades for young generations.
nurannisaputry92 36 / 27 2  
Apr 6, 2016   #4
hi behieli,

i think your essay is good, but let me give you some suggestion to improve your writing skills.


In highly competitive world of today it is every government's responsibility to equip a society with the most effective functional policies to maintain its progress and advance.

for introduction,

first of all, try to give hook although giving a hook is optional.
secondly, try to state the question in the essay.
finally, try to give your strong statement to emphasize your position.


for paragraph,

1. give a clear reason and explanation about your statement.
2. give a reliable example, make it more specific.
3. give some conclusion for your statement or example.

you should consider about the coherence and cohesive, you should give an appropriate sequence.
you use in addition three times, it is really repetitive, try to look for another linking verb like furthermore, besides, or so on.


i hope this suggestion will help you to enhance your writing skills.

thank you.
Hadiyati Fudla 9 / 14 3  
Apr 6, 2016   #5
Hi Behieli! Nice writing. Actually I get your point, but it need more time.
Moreover, I think you have to consider the great sequence to make readers more enjoy it. As such, it is a bit difficult to find where is your main idea, supporting idea, and so on. Here I try to give my perspective:

1. In highly competitive world of today (necessary to put coma here) it is every government's responsibility to equip a society with the most (effective-functional) policies to maintain its progress and advance.

2. Your introduction paragraph need supporting ideas

3. To reach this crucial goal, the first step (that) can be (done) is to cement a friendly international relationship with the world.


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