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'encourages to devoting'; Successful sports professionals can earn big money


hales 1 / 3  
Apr 8, 2012   #1
Hi, Everybody:

I wrote this essay for practicing. Please comment and help. thanks.

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

In the present-day world, a controversial debate has been sparked about whether famous sports professionals deserve a great deal of money paid to them. Some people may think it is unfair as the rewards were thought to be too much more than that in other fields. In my view, however, not only are the rich remunerations undoubtedly justified, but people in other professions also have their paths to successes with great incomes.

It is apparently not an easy task to achieve the professional level, which usually needs long time and great efforts. Sports professionals often need to start the career from their childhood, from when they face extremely high pressure to achieve a high physical and mental level, which needs rigorous training and persistence. Furthermore, it is also well acceptable that to have a world class achievement, they need to have also the talents, which only a few people possess. Moreover, they also risk abandoning the career due to a variety of reasons, such as unexpected injury or physical diseases caused by daily high risk practices. It has to be admitted that to have publicly acknowledged achievement, professional athletes need to sacrifice their leisure time and risk their physical health.

After persistent training and tough competitions, they may own high payments. The duration of the career peak, however, is very short, usually several years. Additionally, their major incomes often come from being advertisement ambassadors sponsored by famous companies. And the spiritual values that the athletes bring are usually incalculable for both the sponsoring companies and the public. The great incomes are reasonable rewards to the persistence, high risk and talented quantities, as well as great values brought.

Some people may insist that professional in other fields are not so well paid, but it is not true. Famous musicians, extraordinary pianists, outstanding artists and photographers have all high incomes. People ignore these facts maybe because sports professionals are often too shining in public medium and their incomes usually become part of news and well known, while other talented people with great success often have less chance to expose. Furthermore, in many other fields like engineering, people could also find their paths to great successes. For example, an engineer with great talent could design a software or hardware which could bring a great deal of money, even in short time. If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young.

In conclusion, it is fair that successful sports professionals obtain well paid career. This also encourages more brilliant and talented people devoting to their own professions.

OP hales 1 / 3  
Apr 9, 2012   #2
Kindly need your help, Friends.
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Apr 9, 2012   #3
If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young.

Rephrase the above sentence buddy.
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- The conclusion is very short, confusing. You need to write something effective in the final paragraph.

-Theme sentence -".... however, not only are the rich remunerations undoubtedly justified, but people in other professions also have their paths to successes (success ) with great incomes."

- Overall your essay is quite good and up to the standards required in IELTS tests. However, some refining is needed in the grammatical portion.

Good luck and cheers :D
OP hales 1 / 3  
Apr 10, 2012   #4
ajit88rai: thank you very much.

Could anyone help on rephrasing it? I do not find the major problem on it. thank you for reading.
If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 12, 2012   #5
Your introduction have no motivator. Before expressing the main idea of the essay you should prepare a reader's mind. For instance you can write: Nowadays sports clubs all across the world have changed into lucrative economical establishments. Consequently, the income of players in different sports is increasing day after day.

Line 3: "...professions also have their paths to successes with great incomes...":.. Professions have also found their paths toward success.
Line 5: Physical and mental level: it would be better to write " to improve their mental and physical states"
The use of word "achievement" for several times is not appropriate, you should use a wide range of vocabulary such as : gain, obtain, reach, arrive at, etc.

'..they need to have also the talents,.." : use talent in singular form. It would be better to rewrite this sentence: "Talent is an important element for a sport player to arrive at international level, which is available for a few people."

"...People ignore these facts maybe..": suggestion: " .. people are failed to appreciate these facts.."
"...with great success often have less chance to expose...": suggestion: ".. rarely expose to ..." or you can say " the lives of sports professionals are more newsworthy than other people"

"people could also find their paths to great successes": you have repeated this sentence. Try to use another sentence.
You can use aptitude which is a synonym for talent.
"If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young. ": Suggestion: "In addition, some engineers inherently have managerial skills that give them an opportunity to set up and execute a profitable company, even at the early years of their professional lives. "

As "ajit" said, your conclusion is too short. You should reword the first paragraph.

Regards


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