hello: I need feedback about my essay for my essay. hope you can help me.
Almost everything one is, as an individual, begins at any circumstance in life. As someone had told me before, "what you shape is what you learn," means, to me, that I have built a character through learning. My family has instilled innumerable values in me that I follow as my code of honor to succeed in life. These values I recall as my "attainment of goals." Without this basis, I would not have built the persistent character I now live with. "Vires, Artes, Mores" represents the development of my persona at an early stage of my life. Perhaps, that is the way I discovered the balance applied to this philosophy. My love for sciences were developed based upon dedication and motivation. However, I learned these components -keys to my success- through my artistic skills. Ballet is my most precious admiration I had since I was a child. During my middle school years, I had the opportunity to enjoy the delicacy of this dance and its appreciation. Initially, I wasn't that perfect to the multiple movements I acquired. It took me time to perfect graceful movements and strengthen my muscles for equilibrium. Although it seemed extremely complex to achieve, my impetus pushed me off limits and I continued to pursue my improvement on this classical dance. The gained stability and body control proved me the hard work I have achieved with determination. These values taught me that I am capable to aspire even higher in my desired objectives. Triumphantly, I applied these keys to my academic career. I began to get involved in science by the mystery of life and all its issues in our days. Besides, coming to the United States stimulated my senses to crave more in science. Fortunately, culminating my tenth grade, I got accepted into a summer program based upon research. That summer gave me the most rewarding experience I have ever had in life. As a clinical researcher at Bascom Palmer, I performed tests with patients' eyes conditions and gained invaluable information that I may use further in my studies. After that, I volunteered at an Ophthalmology lab and became more involved with ocular research associated with biological mechanisms. Moreover, AP Biology class was extremely useful and informative. This combination of "Vires" and "Artes" demonstrates how strong I am able to take any challenge that is on my way. My intellectual strength linked to my creativity transforms my goals into firm decisions that I make for my future. In essence, the "Mores" in my persona is the result of artistic talents embodied to my love for science. These are my main building blocks to work with and model into the person I am today.
You have some good points in this essay, but overall it is a bit disorganized. Focus on a couple main points that you want to discuss, and don't stray off their points. This will help you keep focus on your piece, making it more streamlined and easier to follow.
