IELTS - Experience is becoming more and more demanding for job application.

Topic:
"Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this"

Experience is becoming more and more demanding for job application. Because of this, there is a suggestion that young people should apply for jobs for a few years before going to university. Doing so has a positive side, as well as a negative one.

There are two major advantages ok taking a job between school and university. The first one is that it provides young people precious knowledge and insight about having a job. I took a small part-time job last year, it made me realize how it required one to be very competitive, enthusiastic to survive in the working environment, even a small one. The second adventage is that taking a job not only makes the youngs more more economically independent, but also rewards them with some money that can support their education. My sister's job after finishing highschool allowed her to pay for a better university than the previously planned one.

However, there are somedrawbacks that young people should consider before deciding to work after high school. One of them is the distraction a young person may get during his working year. It can easily be seen that many people end up sinking too much of their time into the temporary jobs and become oblivious of their main goal: getting into college or university. Furthermore, taking years away from studying may hinder one's chance to pursue his career. Because by doing it, young people have to accept to start and end their studying in university later than those who take university right after graduating highschool. As it is widely accepted that employers prefer young workforce, starting your career late may pose a disadvantage.

In summary, taking a job for a few years between graduating and applying for university has its own good aspects as well as hinderances. Young people should take both of them into account before deciding whatever it's more profitable to do it.

Note:
- The bolded parts are , according to my teacher, gramatically incorrect . However, i am having a hard time understanding why it's incorrect.

Any help is appreciated

Experience is becoming more and more demanding for job application. This is more of a fragment than a clear introductory sentence.

Doing so has a positive side, as well as a negative one. What is the subject? Mention the subject in the sentence or simply combine this one with the previous one.

There are two major advantages ok taking a job between school and university. Should be 'of' instead of 'ok', make sure to check all spelling errors and grammar.

it required one to be very competitive Nothing's really wrong with it, but it could be phrased better in context.

the youngs Not grammatical. 'Younger people' is better.

a better university than the previously planned one Once again, phrase it better.

One of them is the distraction a young person may get during his working year.the distractions they may face during their work years.

It can easily be seen that many people end up sinking too much of their time into their temporary jobs and become oblivious of their main goal: getting into college or university. many people spend too much of their time into their

Give more defined examples of the advantages and disadvantages you listed and improve your conclusion; you're just repeating the prompt.

Other than that, it's a solid essay.