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Ielts writing task 2: Factors affect children's development


ththao_99 5 / 10 4  
Jul 31, 2019   #1
Essay topic: Many people say that family is the most powerful influence on a child's development. However, some people suppose that other factor (such as music, friends,) have a great influence on children. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

family plays the most overriding role



Essay:
Many people think that children's development predominantly depends on family, whereas others suppose it depends on other factors like music, friend. This essay will examine the debate and give my opinion.

To begin with, family is the very first and primary environment in which a child grows up. They spend their majority of time at home, this amount of time even much more for children who under 5 years old. In this environment, children's personality, habit and lifestyle will be created and nourished. It is conspicuous that kids usually imitate exactly adults' behavior and manner. Therefore, parents will have the most essential effect on children's growth. Specifically, if a child matures in a family which has a drunk and violent father, he would likely to follow the father's footstep and become a father's copy version.

On the other hand, other factors like music and friend also contribute to kid's growth. When children get older and go to school, they will have exposure to their friends and teachers, which can improve and maybe change their perception. Besides, something like music or sports also can help children develop both mental and physical health. According to a study, if a mom listens to music on a regular basis in her pregnancy term, her child possibly is a genius.

Personally, I think, although, there are a lot of things affect children's development, family effect still plays the most overriding role. It will build the foundation; this foundation in association with other factors like music and friend will stimulate significantly children's growth. Therefore, parents should have a suitable method of teaching kids.
Maria - / 1098 389  
Jul 31, 2019   #2
@ththao_99
Hi there! Welcome back here. I hope you've been doing well with your learning endeavors. I'll be giving you feedback on this essay to hopefully help you in your writing endeavors.

While I appreciate the straightforward approach in the first paragraph, it can still be improved by ensuring that the text laid out would be thoroughly dissected. For instance, try to just directly mention that the other factors are instead of reiterating that these factors do exist. Notice how the former simplifies complex thoughts to pinpoint clarity of text.

You should apply these text simplification techniques even until your second paragraph. Your text still somehow comes up as cluttered here because you appeared to be rather blabbering than maintaining a logical approach to writing.


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