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IELTS WRITING STRIVING: COMPUTER GAMES AND HOW THEY AFFECT CHILDREN


huyhihung10A 3 / 5  
Jul 8, 2019   #1

Is gaming good for kids?



Essay: Many parents complain that computers games have no value to their children's studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on the mental and physical development. What is your opinion?

In the modern digital age, regardless of the widespread popularity among young teenagers, computer games have confronted numerous parents' criticism of seriously detrimental impacts on their kids' development including major problems like cognitive and physical impairments. From my viewpoint, I strongly agree with the advice on limiting children's access to those harmful online games.

Beyond their main purpose for human relaxation and entertainment, the fact that game players incline to suffer from the overexposure to the virtual world of online games has proved their highly hazardous addiction. More particularly, that adolescents spend many straight hours sitting in front of computer screens could spark several health problems like short sightedness or headaches possibly caused by their untold harmful radiation, obesity due to the lack of sufficient exercise and being unsociable because of fewer hours for extracurricular activities. Furthermore, several games with sexual and violent scenes should be banned for those in early childhood.

This may be true to some extent because the entertaining method through computers can be beneficial to the kids' mentality after schooling. However, the misleading way of excessively getting indulged in game missions has resulted in the children's neglect of their school assignments. That they usually fail to meet their exercise deadlines not only damages their study results and face the risk of losing such preciously social relationship like friendship but also leads to unnecessary worries and disappointment of their parents. Moreover, gamers are often possible victims of cyber-bullies when they join in such a virtual world with thousands of anonymous users.

From the above evidences of physiological and psychological damages, I reach the final agreement with the idea that parents having a great concern about their young teenagers' health development had better discourage their children from gaining access to this dangerous software.

truong123456 1 / 4 1  
Jul 9, 2019   #2
Well done,
But you got a little bit of mistake!
"Short-sightedness"
From the above evidences of ... parents having a great concern about...
I hope it gonna help you!
Take care
Krystal318 8 / 19 2  
Jul 10, 2019   #3
You have good advanced vocabulary. However I think you are overusing this skill. This made your sentences pretty long and hard for readers to catch up the full meaning. In my opinion, you should break down your idea into 2 sentences if the idea is too long.

"That they usually fail ... friendship. This action also leads to ..."
Maria [Contributor] - / 1,054 373  
Jul 10, 2019   #4
@huyhihung10A
Hi there.

Let me try to provide you with beneficial feedback on your writing.

You have quite a good grasp of the language already. I would suggest focusing more on portions of your text that would permit you to have more substance by moving around and rearranging a few portions to curate a heavier inflow of thoughts.

Furthermore, I would suggest laying far from the usage of lengthy sentences. The meaning often gets lost in translation here because of the lack of hold over the genuine structure of the text. Focus more on capitalizing on the text's value by having a straightforward approach. If you can separate a sentence into two, the better it would be.

Best of luck as always.


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