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[IELTS] - Fatherhood implies environment provided by father to his children for their growth


Bivek3 2 / 5  
Aug 13, 2013   #1
Hi valuable community, the essay below is from Cambridge IELTS Book 2 > Test 1 > Writing Task 2. Hoping for your precious suggestion regarding the essay that I've written. Could you please tell me how much marks should I get with this essay out of 9? Thank you.

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Fatherhood implies the care given by father to his children and environment provided by father to his children for their growth. I fully agree to the given statement that fatherhood should also be emphasized as motherhood and women are also as responsible as male in bringing their children up.

In any society people often think that women give birth, takes care, nourish and teach different skills to children. Although this is very much true father is also equally responsible, father is mainly credited for earning money or getting food. Families with a good father do not generally have to worry about food, spending or good family environment. These are the reasons why I believe that fatherhood needs to be equally emphasized as motherhood.

Another important fact in most of our society that woman generally takes that decision about whether or not to have baby. This shows that women are also responsible for bringing up their children. From our childhood we have been observing that mother nourishes, cleans educates children which are responsible tasks. This example shows that mothers are also equally responsible to bringing up children.

Furthermore there are a lot of single parents these days in our society who need to play role of both father and mother to bring up the children which is very difficult job.

Finally I'd like to conclude by saying that although motherhood is widely considered in most of the societies fatherhood must also be emphasized because father creates good environment for their children to live a better life.

aLuckyStudent 4 / 10  
Aug 13, 2013   #2
Honestly, I don't want to be mean, but I would give it a 4.
One point for effort, two points because your essay answered the question and you hit somewhere in the ball park. One point out of generosity.

I'm not going to focus on the grammatical errors, just know that there are a lot, and be sure to proof read them.

As of all essay it would be better if you organize it paragraph by paragraph instead of this one big section.

fully agree to the given statement that fatherhood should also be emphasized as motherhood and women are also as responsible as male in bringing their children up.

The first part was right, the second part was not right. The prompt merely stated that the idea of a mother responsible for raising her child stemmed from her decision in conceiving that child. It does not ask for whether or not you agree to the gender equality in the upbringing of a child.

In any society people often think that women give birth, takes care, nourish and teach different skills to children.

This is a very big generalization. It is also a bit discriminatory, assuming that women should give birth and such, so be careful.

Although this is very much true father is also equally responsible

For what? Raising the child? Be clearer please.

Families with a good father do not generally have to worry about food, spending or good family environment.

Again sexist, discriminatory, sweeping generalization. This is not true in many households, so please fix it.

Another important fact in most of our society that woman generally takes that decision about whether or not to have baby.

In China, the government decides whether or not to have a baby.

This shows that women are also responsible for bringing up their children.

Here you are just restating the fact in the question.

From our childhood we have been observing that mother nourishes, cleans educates children which are responsible tasks.

First, that's not true. Second does bringing home money to feed the entire family not a "responsible task?"

This example shows that mothers are also equally responsible to bringing up children.

That is not an example. You just made a vague sweeping generalization. That does not count as an example.

Furthermore there are a lot of single parents these days in our society who need to play role of both father and mother to bring up the children which is very difficult job.

This does not connect anyway to you essay. You could connect it by saying that single parent can be fathers and thus the role of fatherhood should be elevated.

Finally I'd like to conclude by saying that although motherhood is widely considered in most of the societies

Consider what? For what?

fatherhood must also be emphasized because father creates good environment for their children to live a better life.

You finally ended it with yet another vague generalization.
Might want to put in an actually concluding paragraph.

My number one issue with this is with all the assumptions, some of which are discriminatory and simply untrue.
Sorry if I offended you.
Good luck
OP Bivek3 2 / 5  
Aug 14, 2013   #3
Thank you for your quick and very genuine response.
sngbm87 - / 2 1  
Aug 14, 2013   #4
I don't think your essay was discriminatory. Maybe just stereotypical in thinking but for the most part you're correct on what you want to say.

Just watch the grammar on singular or plural usages as well as making sure you're not burying the lead in your paragraphs with diverting statements that lead away from the main point or expand upon stuff that's confusing. I think these IELTS Cambridge essays are limited and timed if I'm not correct? Its a hard question to answer that you're working. Not bad though but needs work on grammar and thought process.
OP Bivek3 2 / 5  
Aug 14, 2013   #5
sngbm87
Thanks a lot for your reply, could you please tell me why this essay is: stereotypical. I don't know why I could not figure that out.

I re-checked the grammar and singular plural usages but was not able to figure out any mistake :(.

I think these IELTS Cambridge essays are limited and timed if I'm not correct?

Yes we need to finish one essay in 40 minutes.

Finally thank you so much once again. I'll try hard to improve my thought process.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 15, 2013   #6
Fatherhood implies the care given by father to his children and environment provided by father to his children for their growth.

Your hook has several weaknesses; First it does not flow well. Second it has the repetitive effect. Thirdly, it is weak as an idea.
OP Bivek3 2 / 5  
Aug 15, 2013   #7
Thank you very much dumi, I believe I'll have to rewrite the essay
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 15, 2013   #8
Well... I think you need to improve the essay structure. Below is what I generally recommend. You can follow that when you rewrite the essay and post it here if you do. I'll provide you my comments definitely :)


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