Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both?


ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jan 18, 2011   #1
please read my essay all of you and give your honest opinion. THANKS

TOPIC
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

MY ANSWER:

Parenting is a very complicated process. Perfection in this process is dependent on a lot of factors. Both mother and father play a vital role in raising a kid and it is the responsibility of both of them to cater the needs of a kid.

Some orthodox people believe that it is solely the duty of a mother for raising their offspring. However, this has now changed in the current scenario. Such an obsolete approach is useless in the modern society. Just because giving birth is the discretion of a woman does not mean that the father is allowed to relax and not look after the child.

The current world talks about women empowerment and children welfare. How will a child have a good upbringing when his mother is busy trying to maintain a balance between the home and the duties of a father? According to the social setup, it is the duty of a father to provide for the basic needs and financial security of the family. In addition to this, a father is also responsible for looking after the child.

For example , it is believed that a family in which a patriarch is absent, often results in their children being spoilt. This is supposedly true.

A mother is to give love, affection and proper manners to a child. On the other hand, a father should share the duty of inculcating discipline and etiquettes in a child. None of these duties can be actually categorised to a mother or a father. They both are equally responsible for raising a child.

I strongly believe that thrusting all the responsibilities on a mother , just because she has given birth , is a very narrow thinking and is void. A family needs a balance. Father and mother , both act as a fulcrum on which a child's future is built. They both are equally important and fatherhood should be emphasised as much as motherhood.

ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Jan 21, 2011   #2
Hi Ajit

I like to put some suggestion on this writing, as well.

Actually I am not a rater for IELTS but as we can see in all IELTS books, I think it is better that your writing material has a structure like those they ask to be.

Introduction / body / conclusion are main frames at IELTS writing, and even as a part of IELTS speaking. In this writing you covered most of those items with some small exceptions.

First is your introduction. It is obvious that you pointed your main idea about the subject "both parents have responsibility...." later there is no information about why and how they can do.

Your second paragraph start with pointing out your opinion but it is better this point of view at least be mentioned in introduction.

Your third paragraph is a kind of complementary to the previous paragraph. Again it was not mentioned in your introduction.

I agree with the Booki comment about this "half paragraph" of "patriarch is absent"

As an exercise for me and to show better what I mean, I write an essay with the same topic and use your argument to explain in better way what I meant on all I talked above.

I also need you and possibly Booki' s comments on my essay.

Good luck and keep on try.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both?