Please help me correct. Thanks a lot!
Topic:
Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
My Writing:
Some people think that fewer languages can make communication easier, so it's not necessary to prevent language from dying out. I disagree with the viewpoint because I believe that language also act as other important roles in our life rather than just being a tool of communication.
First, language is a vital tool loading with people's ethnic identity and connects and relationship of people from the same hometown. For example, there are many Indigenous Taiwanese who lives in plains instead of mountains. Usually we won't take them as aboriginal people unless they show us that they can speak their aboriginal language. Even in our law, we only give subsidies to the Indigenous Taiwanese who have got the language qualification.
Second, language is one of the most identified part of a country' culture, which can't and shouldn't be deleted from people's mind. For instance, whenever we hear "bonjour" or "bon-voyage", the impression of a confident French woman may come into our brain. In addition, even though we never met European people, we imagine them to be gorgeous just from their language. Language can also represents a part of memorable history of a country.
In conclusion, it may save money if we don't preserve traditional languages and just let them die out, but in the long term this would have a negative impact on our cultural heritage. So I believe we must do something to prevent the extinction of languages.
Paragraph 1: * ... that fewer languages --> that few languages
* I disagree with the viewpoint ... --> this
* I believe that language also act as other important roles in our life rather than ... --> ... has also other important roles in people's lives ...
* Clearly, you didn't pose your thesis quite properly, all you have done is rewriting the topic given in a very much similar way. This mistake can affect your essay in a genuine negative way, especially if you are writing your essay for academic purposes (IELTS)
Paragraph 2: * First, language is a vital tool loading with people's ethnic identity and connects and relationship of people from the same hometown (mis-constructed) --> First of all, language is a vital tool that gives each group of people their own ethnic identity and connects them proving their share to the same cultural interests and mindsets.
* ... Indigenous Taiwanese who lives ... --> live ("Indigenous Taiwanese" can be replaced by "they", that's why we don't put an "s")
Paragraph 3: * ... even though we never met European people ... ---> ... we have never met ... (The sentence does not contain any time indications hence you should use the present perfect)
* ... we imagine them to be gorgeous ... --> high-class ("gorgeous" is used to describe someone physically / e.g. "gorgeous body", "gorgeous girl").
* General Review: * You have written an average essay that can be amended especially by avoiding some unforgivable conjugation mistakes at the academic level. You some expression mistakes. However, I think you should have explained the arguments you chose to develop with more depth. Your essay's outline is rather correct. Regardless of the mistakes aforementioned, you have chosen good ideas to discuss with appropriate examples and a rather-acceptable style. Finally, I would recommend that you keep practicing and trying to mind what I have told you.
Thank you, for the effort.
Hi Mandy, below are my contributions for your essay.
- I disagree with the viewpointthis point of view - because I believe that, ( don't forget you punctuation marks )
- language also act as otheran important
- roles inpart our life rather
- tool loading within aiding people's ethnic - identity and connects andthe relationship
- who have gotknows the language and this is part of their qualification.
There you have it Mandy, this is the first leg of the modifications done for your essay and I hope you find it helpful and rather useful to your revision. For future writing reference, mind the punctuation marks of your sentences, this affects the overall reading phase of your essay and it can also affect the idea that you are trying to impart to your readers.
Hi Mandy, below are additional remarks for your essay.
- country'country's culture,
- which can't and shouldn't be deleted from people's mindforgotten .
-may comes to mindinto our brain .
- represents a part of memorable history of a countryof a country's history .
- SoTherefore, I believe we must
There you have it Mandy, I hope the above corrections add to the suggestions for the modifications of your essay. The fact that you started with a pretty strong idea, this should be followed through to the entire essay, however, this did not materialize which you don't necessarily have to worry about because we are here to help you out. I wish to review the revised version soon.
I think you have written a decently well essay, and everyone else that commented first pretty much sums up what you need to work on. Definitely, work on the rephrasing of the words in your essay, as the people above have already done for you. Other than that, seems fine to me. Good luck!!
