Fiction-Writing : The story about leaving home for a while

Hi everyone ! please take time and read my essay. I struggle for this topic and scored very badly in the examination.
kindly help me by giving me some ideas and improvements . ( i welcome negative comments )
Some people have to leave their home for different reasons.
Write a story about someone who has to leave their home for a while, and how this person feels about the experience.
Try to show how his or her emotions and feelings change through the story.

"I'll be back." , Tom said before he left home.

Little did his family know, that his voice will not be heard for years. Tom left home on the day he was called to serve the country, he was assigned to be a medic for the army thanks to his qualifications in the medicine area. Every month, he would write a letter home , but his letter never came for 3 years , the army claimed that he disappeared. Jim wasn't convinced.

Jim left a note.

" Mom, I am going to look for Tom, it has been too long since his last message, I will be back shortly."

He had never left home before, not like this. Jim took with him a gear of his essentials. He was engulfed in a spiral of depression, total darkness filled him, the moment he stood out of the door. The sky started to gloom, dark clouds gathered. Jim took a train and went. Deep within him, memories of him and Tom together surged him inside. Nothing could come between them, but with each passing mile the memories start to fade.

A fog of sleepiness overtakes him. His eyelids closed.

The next memory was him going through the custom to board the plane. Jim's face was that of stone. He stares at the passing clouds outside the plane windows. He cried. In his mind , he only thought of . .

Jim peeks into his brother's room.
"Are you coming back ? "
"Of course ! It will be a short one. " Tom replied.
"Can I help you pack ?"
"No..No.. It's fine" Tom answered.
"Remember to write to us ."
" I will " Tom smiled.

Jim smiled. The thought of him being alive and smiling, always gets him going. Jim arrived in Normandy. It was cold and rainy. Jim held his family photo , gazed at his brother. Warmth surrounds him, making him warm inside.

"I am coming. Wait for me. "

Jim pressed on.

I got only 4/7 for content and audience.
4/5 for Text structure
3/5 for sentence structure
2/4 for volcabulary.

Please help me .. My exam is next week . ..

Samuel, the first thing that I noticed upon reading your opening paragraph is that you failed to set up the scene for the reader. There was no background description or emotional basis for the reader to latch on to before or after your first dialogue. I can see the potential for you to develop a very emotional opening scene here. Setting it up properly would have helped you better present the events as it unfolded.

For example, before he says "I'll be back." I would have first described him looking back onto something. Getting melancholic about it and even teary eyed if necessary. I would have described the emotions building up within him before I had him say the words and then had him leave abruptly. Thereby creating the image of a man who did not want to go but had to leave.

Then, I would have made the flashback clearer. It just seemed to have jumped out of nowhere. It just hits the reader in the face. When you are writing a work of fiction, how you set up the scene is even more important than the dialogue. The dialogue tells the reader what is happening, the background setup and action description takes the reader into the story. So you need to pay as much attention to the background and set up as you did to the dialogue.

The ending is also not clear. What exactly is going on there? Perhaps you can better build up the closing scene so that the reader will know that the end is there and why. Why don't you try to rewrite the story and post it here? Maybe it will improve now that you have had some advice. That is the only way we can help you prepare somehow for the upcoming test :-)

Hi Samuel, I'm glad to see your story here, now let me try to give you some corrections on it. Here it goes. :)


1. What do you mean on this sentence? I suggest you to use "It is not really known by his family that his voice has not be heard for years.". You can use present perfect to explain "his voice" because it has happened from the past until now.

2. I suggest you to introduce who is Tom and who is Jim at the beginning of your story to avoid misunderstanding for the readers. Then, it will be better if you put in the time signal on your passage.



1. What do you mean of this sentence? You can try another sentence and make it more clearly.
2. The using of "between", must be followed by 2 objects. For example, "between you and I".

I hope my corrections can help you to improve your story. :)

Hi Samuel.
I think you should pay more attention to the clarity of your sentence. As a reader, i can understand enough about the point of your essay.

more concern to the time signal of your sentence.
another tips are, give a space after comma and full stop. don't give a space before comma and full stop. like this:



can you see? almost after words you give a space, but it's not necessary. Give a space after comma and full stop.

you use the incorrect word in your sentence, such as:


KEEP SPIRIT!!!

DO i post my work here for correction ? like
@vangiespen

Tom held in his hand the photograph and slid it in his pocket. He did not want to go. Sadly, Destiny chooses, tom got called up to serve in the National Army. The idea of man killing man made him gross. Yet something else engulfed him, not the feeling of fear, not the feeling of hopelessness. Thoughts of never coming back swallowed him. Tom gave hugs to his family, one by one, he remembered the warmth of their skin, their scent, their love deep in his heart. With hugging Jim, his brother last he turned and left.

"I'll be back." Tears ran down his cheeks, but no one saw.

Tom had never left home before , not like this. Every step he pressed on, his mind dragged him back twice. Tom's footsteps were of those of a zombie, lifeless and dead. The sky was clear, but his heart gloomed. He heard the laughter of naive children, he envy their freedom and happiness.

Tom boarded the train. He chose the seat mear the window. The train started moving, the view was scenic, Everything was peaceful and quiet. Tom tried to devour the scene, hoping that it will fade the sorrow in him. He felt much more melancholy, wandering when will that peace come to him. A memory surged him..

"Are you coming back? " Jim asked
Of course!
"Can I help you pack ?"
No..Noo..It's okay, just stay here with me.
"Certainly! "

Tom cried. The new feeling surged him again. Now he know what was the feeling, it is a feeling of home. Wandering whether he will come back, If he will survive, whether his family are safe. Thoughts and worries surrounds him. He has another hour to reach his destination, every mile travelled meant another mile away from his family. Tom's fingers were cold, sweat dripped. He pulled out his photo with trembling hands, his family was there. He felt their presence, his heart was warm. He puts his hands around him, he remember their hugs. Warm hugs. Tears stopped flowing. He knew, deep in his heart, his family are waiting for him. All he has to do is survive.

Tom held the photo in his palm and smiled.

How did i do this time ?

MERGED

Tom held in his hand the photograph and slid it in his pocket. He did not want to go. Sadly, Destiny chooses, tom got called up to serve in the National Army. The idea of man killing man made him gross. Yet something else engulfed him, not the feeling of fear, not the feeling of hopelessness. Thoughts of never coming back swallowed him. Tom gave hugs to his family, one by one, he remembered the warmth of their skin, their scent, their love deep in his heart. With hugging Jim, his brother last he turned and left.

"I'll be back." Tears ran down his cheeks, but no one saw.

Tom had never left home before , not like this. Every step he pressed on, his mind dragged him back twice. Tom's footsteps were of those of a zombie, lifeless and dead. The sky was clear, but his heart gloomed. He heard the laughter of naive children, he envy their freedom and happiness.

Tom boarded the train. He chose the seat mear the window. The train started moving, the view was scenic, Everything was peaceful and quiet. Tom tried to devour the scene, hoping that it will fade the sorrow in him. He felt much more melancholy, wandering when will that peace come to him. A memory surged him..

"Are you coming back? " Jim asked
Of course!
"Can I help you pack ?"
No..Noo..It's okay, just stay here with me.
"Certainly! "

Tom cried. The new feeling surged him again. Now he know what was the feeling, it is a feeling of home. Wandering whether he will come back, If he will survive, whether his family are safe. Thoughts and worries surrounds him. He has another hour to reach his destination, every mile travelled meant another mile away from his family. Tom's fingers were cold, sweat dripped. He pulled out his photo with trembling hands, his family was there. He felt their presence, his heart was warm. He puts his hands around him, he remember their hugs. Warm hugs. Tears stopped flowing. He knew, deep in his heart, his family are waiting for him. All he has to do is survive.

Tom held the photo in his palm and smiled.

Well now, this is certainly a huge improvement over the first version that you wrote. While there are existing grammar problems, it does not become as noticeable because of the way that you draw the readers attention to the sentiments on the page. Something that you were able to do because you have learned to set up the scene before you bring on the dialogue and emotions.

Perhaps you can write in a quick explanation of why his family did not see him off to the train. It just doesn't seem logical that for a tightly knit family, they chose to not see him off to the train. Considering it may be the last time that they saw him alive. I would have written some sort of farewell scene between the family members at the train station. Just to add more emotion and drama to the way he felt as the train pulled away from the station. Then again, that could just be a nice scene in my imagination :-)

I like the way that you made the story hang at that point when he takes hold of the photo again. You brought the story full circle with that move. It created a more emotional pull on the reader because he mimicked the movement that he did when he was with his family and now he feels like he is alone, but the picture reminds him that he is not.

Overall, a pretty decent revision of the story. Will you be submitting this again to your teacher? Please let us know how it goes for you if you resubmit this story. I am sure it will get some sort of grade improvement :-)

I am not resubmitting this paper. I can't in fact, it was my pre-test paper . Thanks anyways XD