FIRST NARRATIVE ESSAY (The Miserable Girl)

THE MISERABLE GIRL

The street was empty when the wind was blowing; the stars stopped shinning when the clouds were gathering, and the rain started dropping when the girl was shivering. Cold and loneliness were part of her sufferings. All she desired was to find somewhere to live in, somewhere to warm her sad and hurt heart. Question and questions, as drops of rain, crossed her mind concerning her destiny, the poor girl adapted her days, but she would no longer be patient enough to confront her more next harsh days because her situation seemed it would not encourage her to hold out.

Her health was going worse and worse as her small dream to own a nest where she could hide her broken heart from an angry and uncharitable nature had not taken its way to her yet. At the dirty corner of the street where she slept or pretended sleeping. And not as everyone sleep and relax in his or her comfortable home. People passed her by their comfortable and wealth viecles; but she had never paid attention to this richness because her dream did not exceed to own a mere small nest.

A miserable lame cat was drawing herself towards the girl; she seemed that found no better place than the girl's place. The poor girl smiled; yet the strong shiver quickly stole the smile from her. The night was her pain because the sun of dawn took a long time to appear.

But, she always rose before the sunrise in an attempt to change just a bit better than her current situation; and find a job to feed herself, but this day to feed also the lame cat. The girl thought it was necessary to be merciful towards the cat.

As shops opened its doors, the girl walked toward the owners to ask for a job as well the lame cat was going towards the rubbish. No one accepted her request or no one as usual replied her fairly, they seemed that learned nothing but nasty words. In her way to her place, she sometimes came cross someone not very better than her offer her piece of bread. Moreover, this time she came back to her unwanted place in disappointment. She felt could feed neither herself nor the miserable cat. She had no idea unless to join the cat to a rubbish and share together the left food.

When her innocent hands were going to pick the rubbish, some one whistled and waved his hand at her. For first; she did not care, for second, he shouted to her (I-h-h girl don't eat that). She surprisingly raised her face and saw a good-looking young man about twenty three years old called Karam and a son of a rich family. Karam approached to the girl, he did not look at a dirty and old girl's cloth, but he saw an idea ran into his mind that this girl did not deserve to be in this situation, and he found no better than to be her new destiny.

YASSIN

Be concise. Avoid forms of "to be." So, for example

"The street was empty when the wind was blowing; the stars stopped shinning when the clouds were gathering, and the rain started dropping when the girl was shivering. Cold and loneliness were part of her sufferings."

could be rewritten as

"The wind swept through the empty street as clouds scudded overhead, blotting out the stars. Slashing torrents of rain tore at the girl, who stood, shivering and lonely, on the street corner."

This is shorter, and eliminates two instances of "were" and three of "was."

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HI SEAN,

thank you very much for your reply. can you tell me if you understand anything from my essay or not?

bye

The general story is clear enough. Poor homeless girl tries to find work, but can't. She is in despair, eating out of a dumpster when she is rescued from her distress by a handsome young man of some means. Your grammar is rough, but revise for conciseness first, then we'll worry about smoothing that out.

HI again

I am sorry to ask you again. What do you mean by Your grammar is rough, but revise for conciseness first, then we'll worry about smoothing that out?

THANKS
BYE

In other words, you need to say what you are saying in your essay using fewer words. However, when you do that, you'll be cutting out a lot of what you currently have. So, you should do that first, then worry about revising for grammar. Otherwise, you'll be fixing the grammar on sentences that you'll then be deleting, which is a waste of time.

shining

All she desired was to find somewhere to live in , somewhere to warm her sad and hurt heart.

Her health was growing worse and worse as her small dream -- to own a nest where she could hide her broken heart -- from an angry and uncharitable nature had not yet been realized. (how about that?)

Surprised , she raised her face and saw...

I hope that helps!!

HI

Thank you very much for your useful help and suggestions.

Yassin