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"Being a Foreigner" - a narrative essay


amal omar 1 / 1  
Aug 31, 2010   #1
hi i am amal and my grammar suck. can any one help me with my grammar.
thank ful. here my narrative eassy.

Being a Foreigner

The most petrified event that happened to me was when I went to India, in New Delhi, with my sister and mother. We were going to meet some friends for dinner. Who, would have thought that the dinner is going to end up on our plate sooner than we reflected, we almost got kidnapped yes! You read it right Kidnapped by some Indian man. The story goes like this; we were at our hotel room in Mumbai. Eat and enjoying my vanilla cream the weather must have been around 90 degrees boy it was hot it felt if I was swimming in my sweat. Then, my mom's friend calls and says she wants to invite us for dinner if it was ok. It wasn't ok in my book. But of course my mother said yes, but the problem was that we had to go to Delhi to see them, man I had a bad feeling about going to Delhi. I even tried to convince my mother to not go there. I guess my persuasive attitude didn't make any difference in my mother's eyes. I told her about the crime rate, weather, and how hot it's going to get in the summer know that it was May. She didn't care she just wanted to get together with her beloved friend. I tried by presenting the new papers front of her, she didn't even look at them. After all that, persuasion, I just gave up. And we were ready to go.

We bought our train tickets Mumbai to Delhi arrival time 6.00am. We packed our luggages and left Mumbai. We arrived in Delhi at morning. I was getting my luggages off. Then I notice something. I notice a man with his wife and kids. This man told his wife and kids he will see them soon at home. Then sends them off and gets back up again on the train and sits right next to us. What was the logic behind this? Why this strange man would send his family home and sit right next to us. I really didn't pay any attention; I thought maybe he wanted to use the restroom. Even though the bathroom was couple sit front of us. He could have waited over there. Maybe he can hold it longer. I saw outside from my window. There were so many people walking all over the direction, more of running all over the place. People were bumping to each other yelling and hollering. I just want to get off from the train and bock a hotel room and rest. We were standing in a long line waiting to get off. When, I saw the same Indian man right behind us waiting to get off. As soon as we got off it felt as millions of Indian people running for their life because Godzilla came to attack their city. As I was dragging my luggage and following my mother, people pushing me left to right right to left up and down down and up and side to side. It was like I was a salsa dancer. The sweat from my back slowing drenched: like ice cream melting over its cone. I saw the man behind me walking more pacing toward us. My heart was running. The sweat of my face was dripping into my glass fogging it. I was pushing people side to side. Trying to catch up to my mom and when I looked back I didn't see him any more as if he disappeared for the sky.

We finally made it to the outside of the railway station. Were we seen taxi men and tourist like us. The taxi men were yelling "no come with madam" Come. I was exhausted long hour in the train wears you off. All the sudden I saw the same man entering a long broken building. My mother was speaking to this one thin man. Who took our luggage and told us his going to take us to the tourist registration center. So we followed him I notice he was taking us to the long broken building where I saw the strange man go in. I then wanted to tell my mom that something is wrong. I don't think this guy is taking us to the tourist center. He taking us to the same building where I saw the man disappeared to. My danger sense kicked in. My mom this time looked at me just as I was opening my mouth. My mom followed him and I had no chose to follow them so did my sister. We started walking up stairs. The stairs were broken and old. We entered the room. The room had chairs and there was one room open. In the room there was one man sitting working in computer. I thought he doesn't look that scary. Maybe this is a tourist center. There was a bulletin on which said tourist centers in Hindi. I told my mom to sit she had a long day. I saw side to side the thin man who bought us here disappeared. I looked at my sister and she looked at me. Her eyes enlarged and full of fear I turned around and saw the same man. My body got cold in a hot weather. It was like déjŕ-vu all over. I told my sister to be calm and to go get mom. So I went grabbed our luggage. I saw my mother running towards me and I told her to be calm the door is locked. When the man approached us my mom started hollering and yelling demanding to get out. The man in the office came running and said we can't leave because the boss is not here yet. In my mind I imagined the boss to be all repulsive hair man with mole who is going to kill us. They said that they want to help us to get a hotel. My mom looked at me and my sister. We agreed with them as soon as they open the door and they help us take our luggage down from the old stairs. As soon as we got down I say a taxi man and run and put our luggage in the taxi told the taxi men to take us to this address. The men looked at each other and said "they know how to speak Hindi, yaar they are on to us". I told my mom and sister to hurry up and off we went to our destination. This is a experience I will never forget.

Amal Omar

name_here - / 37  
Sep 1, 2010   #2
One of the main grammatical problems that I found is that you need to focus on your punctuations. Many of the sentences have more than one thought or idea to them. They should be different sentences.
OP amal omar 1 / 1  
Sep 1, 2010   #3
which sentences can you tell me please or there any more problems can you let me know

I reread them and try to fix it
thank you
seannkim190 2 / 6  
Sep 1, 2010   #4
Trying to catch up to my mom and when I looked back I didn't see him any more as if he disappeared for the sky. make "for" "into"

You have a lot of short sentences. Try to compact them into longer sentences so it doesn't seem so staggered and awkawrd
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Sep 2, 2010   #5
Hello Amal!

I'll change many sentences in your essay. I hope you have time to read them aloud and also practice typing them. That is the way you can program your brain just like a computer, and you will master the English language.

Your meaning is already very clear! I enjoyed the essay...

The most petrified petrifying event that happened to me was when I went to India, in New Delhi, with my sister and mother.

Who, would have thought that the dinner is going to end up on our plate sooner than we expected? We almost got kidnapped!

You read it right.

We were kidnapped by some Indian man.

The story goes like this: We were at our hotel room in Mumbai, and I was eating and enjoying my vanilla ice cream.

The weather must have been around 90 degrees. Boy, it was hot it. It felt as if I was swimming in my sweat. ---- wow, this is very good description!

Then, my mom's friend called and said she wants to invite us for dinner if it was okay.

It wasn't okay in my book. ---- this is funny, too...

But of course my mother said yes, and the problem was that we had to go to Delhi to see them. Man, I had a bad feeling about going to Delhi.

I told her about the crime rate, weather, and how hot it's going to get in the summer know now that it was May.

We packed our luggage and left for Mumbai.

We arrived in New Delhi the next morning.

I was getting my luggage off when I noticed something.

I notice a man with his wife and kids.

The sweat from my back slowing slowly drenched me like ice cream melting over its cone. ---- you are a very good writer! This is real art. Storytelling is one of the highest arts.

We agreed with them as soon as they open the door and they help us take our luggage down from the old stairs(I don't understand this part...).

Okay, practice typing the sentences with these corrections! Thanks for participating.


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