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Should we foster the sense of sacrifice to younger generation as a portion of people have suggested?


Kevin623623 1 / 2  
Oct 6, 2015   #1
Hello, My name is Kevin. I'm taking IELTS exam soon. I would like some feedback on my writing task. Since I am not a native speaker and a bad writer, please give me more advise if you can. Any advise is welcomed. Thank you guys so much!! You are awesome!!

Topic: Some People believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes(for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A portion of people have suggested that we should foster the sense of sacrifice to younger generation. No payment community service should be started by high school students as one of the required programmes. However, a multitude of schools have already provided a number of opportunities to those what want to participated in, but it is not mandatory. For my point of view, I think it is a pretty good idea to put it as a compulsory programs since it can provide students many valuable experiences and skills before they enter to University or Society.

With the development of economics, the students are a little spoiled nowadays. In China, many students only have one goal in high school which is getting a remarkable score to enter to top university. Under this education system, students have become more individual and even a little selfish. Time is very limited for them. However, life is more than just study, we must develop all aspects of ourselves. Sacrifice for other people even strangers play an crucial role of that. First of all, they will learn to greet their lives instead of taking everything they have for granted. I watched a story on Youtube about one of the high schools in America required their students to service for people around the town on summer vocation. They were washing cars, guiding tourist, helping many things. The experiences have a positive impact on their lives according to what they said.

Serving for other peoples, It's far more than just learning experience and skills. The least change is that you will be a more outgoing person as you have to communicate with people during service period. There is not doubt that you will build a more solid relationships with people. It is believed that high school is the most important few years for students to develop their personality, what is more, decided whatever they prefer to do in the future. To offer diversification timetable will help them to walk to a better way of their lives.

It is an unstoppable trend that people are more enjoy doing non-benefit community service. There are many celebrities you can think of, Bill Gates, Lebron James, Jackie Chan and so on. Not only will they donate money, but also take part in many helping others activities. I believed that some of they are the hero of high school students. At this age, they are likely to learn from their model. In my opinion, I am greatly convinced that non-benifit service must be added as one of they programmes.

ochio 13 / 10 5  
Oct 7, 2015   #2
-However, a multitude of schools have already provided a number of opportunities to those what who want to participated participate in.. (I suggest you to give an example for this statement)

-the students are a littlekind of spoiled nowadays
-In China, many students only have one goal in high school which is getting a remarkable score to enter to top university (You have to support this statement with a scientific fact)

-Not only will they donate money,they do not only donate money to participate in charity
-I believed that some of theythem are the heroes of high school students.
irhame 52 / 50 25  
Oct 7, 2015   #3
It is an unstoppable trend that people are more enjoyable doing non-benefit community services . There are many celebrities you can think of, Bill Gates(is he celebrity?) , Lebron James, Jackie Chan and so on. Not only will they donate money, but also take part in many helping others activities. I believed that some of them are the hero of high school students. At this age, they are likely to learn from their model. In my opinion, I am greatly convinced that non-benefit service must be added as one of their programmes.
irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Oct 7, 2015   #4
hello Kevin, let me try to give some suggestions on your passage

as I know for writing academic IELTS task 2, you just need to write around 260 until 300 words. The main point is about the quality of the witing, not about the quantity. in your passage, you wrote more than 400 words.

However, a multitude of schoolshave has already provided a number of opportunities to those what want toparticipated participate in

remember about the singular subject ( a multitude of schools ) so u need put has not have
after to infintive, you have to use verb 1, if u want to make passive voice just need aux before verb 3.

thanks, hope it can helps
OP Kevin623623 1 / 2  
Oct 7, 2015   #5
Than you @Ochio I have corrected my mistakes!! Thank you @irhame Just one question, isn't Bill Gate who co-founded Microsoft in 1975 a celebrity? Thank you @irfan727 I did write too many words, thank you for correcting.

Thank you All guys for great help^__^


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