IELTS TASK 2 - Free or not? Charged information makes a more sustainable development in a long term.

is it good to share all important information?

I will have my IELTS exam this Saturday, and i really need your suggestion!! :)
And my aimed score is band 6.5 in average so that I want to reach band 6-6.5 in my writing task!
I will be really grateful for any advice from you!

Question
Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

My answer

Information plays an essential role in our modern society. It is believed that information should be shared freely for the development of science, commerce and academy, but I think we should charge some money for the use of information, which is far more beneficial.

Easy-to-reach information allows various industries and researchers to draw upon the ideas on others and some real statistics. For instance, if merchants could acquire the preference of their customers, it would enable them to produce the popular products. Therefore, the limited resources and energies would be well used to avoid over manufacturing. At the same time, scientists and scholars are able to confirm whether their theories and study is realistic by comparing with the information from real world. It can effectively contribute to technological advance and theory breakthroughs.

However, some information is confidential to some companies. And without these information, the company may lose their advantage in the market. In this highly competitive society, it is important for companies to have their own core advantage to take up a share of market， therefore they have to keep some information , such as special recipes of restaurants, advanced technology of hi-tech companies and even market strategies of start-ups, as secrets. Charging for high prize of is a valid way to protect these information.

In my opinion, the sale of information now tends to be a new branch of the service sector's industry. Some well-known companies like McKinsey & Company mainly generate revenue from their information consulting company to cater for customer's different needs from company internal management to military strategy, so that free access to information cannot guarantee their constant income.

Overall, though free information benefits some house-skaters in our society, it is charged information that makes a more sustainable development in a long term.

The introduction had run-on sentences. To avoid this, I suggest minimizing your usage of connecting words or conjunctive adverbs. If you do this, you will as well be omitting unnecessary words. This can also help you become more straightforward in your language and articulation. If this cannot be avoided, try repackaging your articulation so that your independent clauses become stand alones instead of forcibly linked together.

Let's look at your first paragraph. I would have written it as:
Information is essential in modern society. The freedom to share it freely contributes to the development of science, commerce, and academics. However, I believe that we should charge money for its usage. This is beneficial for a number of reasons.

Words that quantify (some, a few, etc.) can be useful. However, in this instance, you can omit it to save on the number of words because there is no exact measurement to be provided for the usage of money. You had committed the same mistake in your second paragraph's first sentence ("some real statistics"). You can sharpen the tone and flow of your essay through removing these words because it creates a more dignified approach to your language.

Apart from this, your essay already has hold of its own structure. Just keep writing. Ensure that your essay always has sufficient background data to back-up its claims.

This is a discusive essay, therefore, I think you should include some phrases like "some people believe that, it is believed that, according to some,..." to make sure that you're discussing the opinions. The topic requires you two tasks, discuss and give your opinion. As I read through your essay, it seems to me that this is an opinion essay, which only satisfies one part of the topic. This would negatively affect to your score in TR criteria. If you have your own opinion, my advise is to write a separated paragraph. By what I mean, there will be three body paragraphs, two of them will be used for the discussion part, and the other is used for your opinion. About the vocabulary and grammar range you use in the essay, I have no comments since I believe they are very good and relevant.