'My Friend Moni' - this is my first descriptive essay for grade

My Friend Moni

Moni was a girl I used to hang out with back when I was in first grade in high school. She was a really good friend to me, and since I was new to the school, she made me feel like I wasn't alone. We would play basketball a lot and eat cookies whenever I went over to her house after school. She was kind of tall, so when we played basketball, she would usually beat the snot out of me because she was taller than I was. She never would say anything to hurt my feelings. She would laugh all the time, but it was sort of fake, as if there was something underneath. Moni grew up in different city which is named Darkhan and her dad was a construction worker and her mom a certified dietician. She had an extreme love for basketball, and whenever she would play in championship, she would be the first one at the game.

Her uncle owned some apartments in Ulanbator, which is capital city of Mongolia, and had become ill, so her father packed up everything from Darkhan and moved to Ulanbator. Life in Ulanbator was great at first for Moni. We would be together a lot, doing all sorts of things. Both of us were enjoying our years of high school, and preparing to be together for specialized mathematics high school, but things started to change with her. Her dad went out of city more and more, leaving just Moni and her mother in the house for months at a time. When Moni's dad was away, Moni would command her mother to do everything she said. One time when I was over, Moni was screaming at the top of her lungs for her mother to go to mall and get her some food. She was very vindictive with her. She told her that she had no money and that she would just fix something for dinner. Moni always got her way though, and would not stop screaming at her until she agreed to go get her food. I told her mom that I was sorry for what she had said to her, but she just asked me if I wanted something too, and I declined, but when she came back, she had gotten something for me, just so Moni wouldn't yell at her.

While Moni's dad was away, she treated his mom like crap. There were days when she would sleep in and make her mom call her school. She had turned into a slob. Her hair was down past her back, she had started to gain weight, and she had a sick look to her. She was no longer happy about anything and never wanted to play basketball anymore. All she wanted to do was to sit alone in her bedroom and watch television. Whenever I would call, her mom would say that she was sleeping and that there wasn't anything she could do to get her up. I had my test by then, so we could do more preparation together for mathematical test, but Moni never wanted to do anything besides sit at home in her basement and be lonely. Moni's dad came home maybe once a month, and stayed for about a week at a time. Moni would be so happy to see her dad, and she went to school all the time, cleaned herself up so she looked normal again, and would be nice to all of her friends. She wanted her dad to see that she was doing well back home. She wanted people to come over to play basketball and have fun. She even invited people to swim in the pool. Things would go great for Moni. She would be so happy, but as soon as her dad would go away, Moni changed her character again. She was no longer a nice black-haired, black-eyed nice girl, but an evil, harsh person that had turned for the worse. I stopped hanging out with Moni because I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. She had started hanging out with the wrong crowd. She was accepted by all the losers who did drugs. She was arrested at her house for having a drinking party while her father was away. She hardly spoke to her mother anymore, and when she did, it was sinful, dirty things that a person should never say. She would curse at her and tell her that she hated her, and that she wished that she would die. I was just finishing up high school by then and was beginning my quest to find the money to further my education at the college level.

Moni's wish was granted earlier this year. Moni's mom died of cancer. She had tried for so many years to help Moni put her life in the right direction, but Moni could have no part in it. Moni's father was home when her mother died, and Moni was playing the card. Delger, her dad, never found out about Moni's anger towards her mother, and Moni was finally happy because her father was home for good, but she was too late. Moni failed her senior years of high school by doing drugs and drinking all the time. All her friends left her, even the ones who did drugs with her. she found out too late what she had put herself and her mother through. I saw Moni at the mall one year ago. She was wearing a shirt and looked like the girl that I used to hang out with in junior high. I asked her what she was going to do about school, and she said that she planned to get her GED and try to put her life back together. she was back to her tall and skinny figure, and it seemed like we could be friends again someday. I found it sad to know that she finally learned her lesson at the cost of her mother's life. She would have done anything for that girl to get ahead in the world, and perhaps dying the way she did taught Moni a lesson to make something of her life, because you never know when it will end.

Greetings!

What a sad story with an important lesson! Your essay is very good; I have only a few suggestions.

The biggest problem I see is with pronouns. It can be confusing to know to whom you are referring if you use "she" too much:

"She was very vindictive with her. She told her that she had no money and that she would just fix something for dinner." - I think the first "She" must refer to Moni and the second "She" to Moni's mother -- but it's a little murky. Use proper nouns more often to avoid confusion in this and other places: "She would curse at her and tell her that she hated her, and that she wished that she would die."

"whenever she would play in championship" - it should be either "play in a championship" or just "play in championships."

Be careful not to leave out articles: "which is the capital city of Mongolia"; "her dad went out of the city"

When you see Moni at the mall and say "She was wearing a shirt" it is not clear what, if any, significance there is to the fact she is wearing a shirt. What else would she be wearing? If it's important, give more detail; if not, leave it out.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Moni was a girl I used to hang out with back when I was in first grade in high school. She was a really good friend to me, and since I was new to the school, she made me feel like I wasn't alone. We would play basketball a lot and eat cookies whenever I went over to her house after school. She was kind of tall, so when we played basketball, she would usually beat the snot out of me because she was taller than I was. She never would say anything to hurt my feelings. She would laugh all the time, but it was sort of fake, as if there was something underneath. Moni grew up in different city which is named Darkhan and her dad was a construction worker and her mom a certified dietician. She had an extreme love for basketball, and whenever she would play in championship, she would be the first one at the game.

Edited version.

I used to have a great friend friend in highschool named Moni, in which I could hang out and express my feeling to everyday. In the evening we would play basketball, eat cookies and most often hang out at her place afterschool. Due to her height advantages, she would beat the snot out of me. This young women would never say or do anything to harm me, in order to make make smile she would sometime release a fake laugh or smile. She grew up in a differernt city known as Darkhan. Her father was a contruction worker, while her mother was a certifie dieticuan. She has an extreame passion for basketball, whenever there was championship being played, she would be the first one to arrive.

Greetings!

Sometimes when we have been working intensely on a piece of writing, it can be difficult to tell whether the newer, edited version we've come up with is an improvement or not. I think in this case, your edited version is not as good as the original, for several reasons:

"I used to have a great friend friend in highschool named Moni, in which I could hang out and express my feeling to everyday." - It is not grammatically correct to say "I had a friend in which I could hang out," which is what you have said, when it is pared down to basics. More correct would be "with whom I could hang out" but really, the way you had it originally was better, I think. The only thing I'd change in your original first sentence is to take out "in first grade."

"In the evening we would play basketball, eat cookies and most often hang out at her place afterschool." - It sounds redundant to say "In the evening ... after school." (And "after school" should be two words.)

"Due to her height advantages, she would beat the snot out of me." - By the time you get to the end of this sentence, your reader has forgotten about the basketball, since it was the first thing in the list of activities in the previous sentence. In other words, "basketball" is too far removed from "beat the snot out of me." This makes it sound like she beat the snot out of you literally, as in, hit you with her fists.

"This young women would never say or do anything to harm me, in order to make make smile she would sometime release a fake laugh or smile." - This is a run-on sentence; there should be a period after "me," but both sentences sound a little stilted and awkward. The way you had it before was much better, and the same goes for the sentences that follow!

I know you want your essay to be the very best it can be, but I think maybe you are trying too hard. Saying something in a different way is not necessarily saying it in a better way!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com