'Good atmosphere' - What change to hometown more appealing to people your age?

Hi i'm going to take toefl next week. Please help me with this essay.
Thank you very much i'm really appreciate all the comments :D

What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

To make my hometown become a lovely destination to visit or a wonderful place to live in for people at my age, a lot of things need to be changed. First of all, I'm 20 years old and the common things that can appeal this age of people are the improvement in transportation such as bus service, internet and wifi services and education.

In my hometown, there are a lot of complex shopping malls that can attract many tourists and shoppers. However, it is quite hard for them to travel to those places since the public transportation is very poor. Although there are many buses in the urban and rural area, but it is pretty hard for people to find out which bus can take them to the destination as the information about the route of the bus is rarely given. Therefore, the public transportation should inform and guide people about the place that buses visit by creating map or call center.

Another change that will benefit my hometown is that government should facilitate free internet connection throughout the city. According to the fact that people at the age of 20 are categorized as tech- savvy people, so they can enjoy playing games, finding information and downloading stuff by using free internet wifi.

Other than that, government should provide better education in order to attract foreign students. For instance, they may offer exchange program to the university or scholar to the foreign students. This will benefit both parties. Foreign students will be able to experience good education that we provide; at the same time it is our chance to share some knowledge and culture with foreign students.

All the three recommendations are not only the way to raise standard of living, but also create a good atmosphere and make the city become a better place to live. After adopting all three recommendations, I strongly believe that it would make my hometown become the number one place that most of the people at my age would like to visit.

Thank you for reviewing my essay.

The introduction should be started with an attractive statement. If I were you, I would open the introduction with changes occurred in people's life style through 50 years ago. In this way I could show what the people in my age really need. OR you could start the essay with an introduction about your hometown. You could describe it and show what things are available in your hometown and what things are not.

thank you very much : )

"Although there are many buses in the urban and rural area, but it is pretty hard for people to find out which bus can take them to the destination as the information about the route of the bus is rarely given. Therefore, the public transportation should inform and guide people about the place that buses visit by creating map or call center."

Although we have an adequate number of buses to provide transport within the urban and rural area, it is difficult for people to figure out the routes, timings and which buses to take as the information is not provided regularly. Thus, I believe that by opening up a call center or by creating maps and timetables or schedules for the different routes at the bus stops or even on the web, public transportation will be much more efficient and convenient.

The first sentence is rather long so you may split it into two!