Essay about the government decision on where put money - feedback

Topic:

Some people think the government should stop putting money in art programs and put the money in more important fields such as sports facilities, medical care or national defense. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Nowadays people start concentrating on their own country's investments as they increasingly realize that it links to their future life. Consequently, the aim of such investments becomes a hot-debated topic of discussion when people try to find out the better places where the money goes, for example, art or infrastructure such as sports facilities, medical care or national defense.

Obviously, all governments are supposed to meet their people's basic needs at first. Especially and certainly the highest priorities for developing countries are to resolve the poverty and guarantee the safety and health, which surely requires a huge amount of money to invest in. Compared with those developed countries, developing countries do not constantly have solid financial support, so they should target the comparably short-term achievement to improve people's daily life, most of which is spent pursing basic requirements rather than art programs. Without adequate food supply, healthy bodies and peaceful environment, individuals would not have any interests on painting, singing or dancing.

However for other developed countries, they probably already do not need to worry about the materials to survive through hundreds of years' development. And even importantly, they have consistently healthy financial system so that they are able to grow the art programs and stimulate people's further needs on spirit. In other words, the developed countries may invest in the higher level of what people need with the stable base of materials.

In developing countries, prioritizing infrastructure is not the same as that they are deprived of the opportunities of developing other things beneficial to the people, in fact, the governments should be fully responsible for the development targets on each stage that adapts to each country's real situation.

Any feedback on this essay is really welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!

medical care and national defense are not infrustructure, I guess. or we can say: infrastructures in those fields such as sports facilities, medical care and national defense. but I think u'd better not copy the topic. u should paraphrase it.

good luck!

Yes, you are totally right. Thanks!!!

Any other items that I need to improve my essay?

Compared with those developed countries, developing countries do not constantly have solid financial support, so they should target the comparably short-term achievement to improve people's daily life, and most of which is spent large amount of money on pursing basic requirements rather than art programs.

...people try to find out the better places where the money goes, for example, to art or infrastructure such as sports facilities, medical care or national defense.

Without adequate food supply, healthy bodies and peaceful environment, individuals would not have any interests on painting, singing or dancing.----I think this is a very good point! You have to be practical when making priorities.

In other words, the developed countries may invest in the greater amount of money in arts when people have their basic needs met. a stable base of materials.

:-)

In developing countries, prioritizing infrastructure is important because people are deprived of the opportunities to satisfy their basic needs. develop other things beneficial to the people, i I think this is what you mean!

In fact, the governments should be fully responsible for the development targets on each stage that adapts to each country's real situation. targeting the areas of development that are most appropriate for the current circumstances.

EF_Kevin

Hi Kevin, really appreciate it that you made useful comments on my writing.
As for the below one of your comments, how do you think if I change "because" to "otherwise". Thanks.

In developing countries, prioritizing infrastructure is important, becauseotherwise people are deprived of the opportunities to satisfy their basic needs.