Government should invest to the elderly' livings or they should save money for their future

Financial support for older people

There is a growing concern revolving around money funding for people when they become older. Whereas some might assume that the government is responsible for the elderly in the society, those who oppose to the abovementioned opinion also have their own respective idea that residents should save more money for their future. Personally, I firmly believe that both authorities and aged people are involved in this duty.

On the one hand, there is no doubt that the elderly dwellers still make up a great number of proportion in the society, if the government prioritizes expenditure on them, It will come out with high quality living criteria for all the community. To be precise, not only do they invest to look after the older, they also persuade residents to work more productively and bring more profits for countries without worrying about their lives in the future. For example, in Japan, people do neither have to get married in the early age nor give birth as they will receive the state's support policy when getting old such as retirement salary, nursing house,... The Japanese government decision-making has a great influence on the development of national economy because the workforce contribute all their capacity to work in order to guarantee a sucessful career.

On the other hand, there will be also an undeniable benefit if they care about their living standards in advanced. Firstly, local authorites provide the elderly with finite funds, thus they will have difficulty in meeting all their demands. There are lots of needs for the elderly, health insurance, transportation fee, medical systems for example. It would mean that people can live more independently by accumulating fund for a long-lasting time. In addtion, old people perhaps need the enthusiastic caring from their children before receiving an assistance from the government.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that both authorities and seniors persons ought to join hand to notice the old people's living.

In my opinion, I can say that if this is an opinion-discussion essay, you should pick a side in stead of support both of them. Maybe you can say that "although there are some benefits of ..., they are overwhelmed by the disadvantages". You can write that in a third body paragraph.

In addition, I don't really get this sentence:"people do neither have to get married in the early age nor give birth as they will receive the state's support policy". Do you mean: People who neither get married at their early age nor give birth will receive the state's support policy?

the sentence:"There are lots of needs for the elderly, health insurance, transportation fee, medical systems for example" doesn't feel right to me. You should use either "such as" , "for example" or "for instance" after "elderly" in stead of putting "for example" at the end of the sentence.

Finally, i think your conclusion should briefly mention the opinions from above then state your point of view

Dear @Ngocnguyen777,
You may check some part below to see if my correction is precise or not

"the society, if the government ..." -> should separate into 2 sentences ".....in society. Therefore, if ..."

"To be precise, not only do they invest to look after the older, they also persuade " -> not only go with but also ",but they also"

..., there will also be

in advanced

local authorities

In addition

before receiving an assistance" -> (uncountable)

"join hands

As you did not provide the original discussion prompt, I cannot really advise you regarding the relevance of your writing. You seem to have taken a middle position which, as far as I know, you cannot take in a Task 2 discussion essay. These essays are always opinion based within an agree or disagree scenario or, a comparative discussion presentation. None of which allow you to agree with both sides of the issue.

Taking both sides in an issue presented means you do nto have a clear opinion regarding the topic. The examiner is actually scoring you on the clarity of your opinion, which means you need to pick one side alone to defend within any given presentation, unless you are asked to compare both sides then offer a personal opinion. So, I do not believe that you took the proper approach to this essay. It doesn't follow the expected discussion format for the perceived topic.

Kindly remember to post the prompt next time so that your essay can be reviewed based on more relevant scoring considerations. As of now, it will not be appropriate for anybody here to comment on your approach and content. Since we do not really know what the discussion instructions are, content comments should be avoided by everyone reviewing your essay.

Hi @Ngocnguyen777!
There is my feedback for your presentation

1. I found some mistakes on your presentation:
- Their own respective perspective ( don't use own on the formal presentation)
- a great amount of proportion (proportion is uncountable)
- the workforce contributes
- they invest to looking ( 'to' is preposition)
- successful
- join hands
- also be
- living in advanced
- "There are lots of ... systems for example" => put the word "for example" in the begining of sentence or just erase it.

2. Your conclusion also need to more overview or pharaphase the introduction before give your opinion. The conclusion structure should divine in 2 sentences if you don't have time to write

3. Concentrate on how to build your argument and improve it. You must focus to develop the ideas in 2 or 3 sentences not just 1. The structure that i recommend for your presentation:

+ The argument
+ The supporting idea
+ Example

Best regards!
Jackylove

Thank you so much for your helps!! They are really helpful for my test preparation