I quickly need the following short story checked and am looking for almost any suggestion/ideas that would make the story more compelling and free flowing. I am a beginner writer and not a native speaker, though I learnt the language side-by-side with my native language. Any suggestions would do. Thanks. The prompt of the story was "Grades", I tried to focus on the immense educational pressure put on the (little) children in our (South Asian) societies. Anyway here it goes.
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This is a very interesting story. I did not see any major grammatical errors, but it is always good to read through a few more times to check.
One thing I would do is explain what those letters are and what she did exactly that is going to let her parents down. Maybe it is obvious to you, but I have no idea what she did.
It is intriguing not to mention what she did in the beginning, so I would mention it towards the end to keep the readers interest. Maybe right before she runs to her mom for comfort.
You could also spice up that last sentence a bit. Maybe talk about how, even though she is strict, her mother is a good and comforting mother as well. Despite that she is afraid of letting her mom down, she can also seek comfort in her.
One thing I would change is the part where you ask "Should an 11-year-old be thinking about..." Either take it out or expand on it.
hey lynzee22, thanks for your input. I greatly appreciate it.
"One thing I would do is explain what those letters are and what she did exactly that is going to let her parents down. Maybe it is obvious to you, but I have no idea what she did."
This is one of the reasons, it's helpful to get a completely new set of eyes, lol. It was obvious to me, but now that I think of it, it's not to new readers.
By those letters, I tried to mean the Grades, like A, B, F etc. I'd surely look into it to make appropiate changes.
" You could also spice up that last sentence a bit. Maybe talk about how, even though she is strict, her mother is a good and comforting mother as well. Despite that she is afraid of letting her mom down, she can also seek comfort in her. "
This is something I did atfirst, but then I thougt it overkills it, so I wanted to leave it hanging. But I think I'll try other things with the ending and let you know.
"One thing I would change is the part where you ask "Should an 11-year-old be thinking about..."
Could you please elucidate how you would do it? and hey, Thanks again :)
Hello my edits and suggestions are below:
She sat on the swing just , by the deserted school playground, fixated on the colored blue paper on her hand - staring at it - as if her life depended on it. To be honest it literally depended on it, or so most would say. Painstakingly running her fingers through every line ( what line? the paper? be detailed) and checking over and over; she sighed deeply. The last few weeks have (had) been extremely hard on her.
She tried to recall ever getting up( <standing up? finished with her work? unclear) from her table at the corner of her dimly lit room donning bright posters of cheerful Barbie's against the candy pink of her walls - the ambience hardly reflected her psyche. She worked hard, she really did, but all she could think of now was the sheer disapproval that'd be on her mother's eyes. Did she let her down? She did, didn't she? After all her mother had invested most of her time on her.
She took her to coaching's( Who is her? Her mother's coaching?) diligently all around the city day after day, sat outside her class the whole time Bella was inside - listening absentmindedly to the vague lectures aimed at her, and took her back home religiously. Her mother unearthed every forgotten friends, every acquaintances - and pulled all the strings in her power to land the best home tutor available. And now how will her mother show her face in front of the other parents? And what about her cousins, uncles and aunts? What would she say to them? Maybe they are already calling her mom to check on her, about how she did. In one stroke she has disgraced her whole family. ( Did she feel as though she disgraced her whole family? Did the family tell her she was disgraceful? Unclear ) Sitting there on the desolate playground she pondered over the purpose of her meaningless life.
But should( she) an 11-year-old worry about the purpose of her life and ramifications of her actions? ( <You should keep this sentence in the "she"pattern, you jump to questioning the present when this whole story is based on how "she" feels.) Sometimes she wishes (wished) she was Shimu, the little bubbly girl her age, who also happens to be her domestic help. She Shimu goes about her works, does the laundry, cleans the house, cooks the food and meekly follows every order - but yet somehow always remains cheery. At times she does find herself on the receiving end of sharp name-calling and caustic reproaches; but she would soon forget and return to the TV room at night all chirpy and jovial; what wouldn't Bella do to take her place right now. "Maybe her life is simpler", she supposed, "at least not too much is expected of her".( <This whole section is unclear, you should use the name Shimu instead of she, it becomes unclear who is "she" when you are speaking of of she and Shimu. ) Bella shook her head and focused on the blue paper gawking back at her. She never thought some pesky letters would make her feel so sad and insignificant. But here she was reminiscing every single things she could've done but instead sat alone, utterly disgusted at herself - at how she let everyone down; the shame bore down on her like a thousand mountains. Amid these flurry of emotions she looked up and saw the only person she dreaded to see enter the playground. Seeing her mother's face, she couldn't hold back her tears anymore, she did the only thing that made sense to her, she ran to her - sobbing.
Very moving, I can feel the emotions in the writing, I like your form of storytelling! My suggestions are that if you are going to use a creative style of writing you have to keep your reader clear. You should try to stick to the "she" tense in all your sentences. When you are speaking of Shimu, I noticed you use she for both, this became confusing to read. I was also unclear on whether you were speaking of grades at first, or a letter in the end. Keep in mind, you want your audience to follow what you want them to, you have to make certain specifics clear, so the reader is not guessing small details you want the reader to know :) I love the ending, you have a good way with words!
