"if i hadn't gone in the basement" - the time i made a costly mistake

can someone help me critique this essay. it urgent!!

The time when i made a costly mistake was one i will never forget. i was 9 and my brother was 11, we were coming home from school as always talking about our day and just out of the blue my brother suggested that when we got home we should play sword and princess. i was really excited because we haven't played that game in a while so we started running home so we wouldn't miss a second of playing. we got home and we called for our mom several times but no answer, i went upstairs to check her room but she wasn't there, coming down the stairs my brother meet me on the way and showed me the note our mother left us.i cant still remember its exact words "gone to go pick your sister and pick up some groceries, don't do anything until i get back. love mom". my brother and i were so happy that our mother left us home alone that we started running around the house, jumping on the couch and just having fun.

After a while i remembered my brothers promise to play sword and princess so i asked him when we would start our game, he slapped his head like he usually does and told me he almost forgot, so he stood up and said we should play the game upstairs, i said no that we should play the game in the basement. my brother reminded me that we weren't allowed in the basement without supervision but i ignored him and run to the basement and he followed me too.We got down to the basement and started to play forgetting about all the trouble we could get into for just being down there. thirty minutes passed and my brother told me it was time to go back upstairs, sadly i agreed but i asked to do one thing for me. in our basement theres a little long hook that hangs from the ceiling and the week before that i hung one of my stuffed bears on the hook, so i asked him to get it for me. as he stood on the chair and got it for me, but before he could give it to me he slipped and his eye lid got hooked on the iron hanger. with fear in my eyes i watch him as he tried to unhook his eye lid from the hanger. i don't remember most of what happened after that but my mother told me that i was sitting on the floor with blood everywhere and on my clothes and my brother with a paper towel on his face soaked with blood.

For a 9 year old til this day i kept thinking if i hadn't gone in the basement,if i hadn't hung my stuffed bear on the wire, if i hadn't ask my brother to get it for me, if i hadn't made those mistakes my bother would have been completely blind in his left eye.

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Below is the rewrite:

Describe a time when you made a costly mistake.

I was 9 and my brother was 11. We were coming home from school and talking about the events of the day when my brother suggested that we play sword and princess. I was excited because we hadn't played that game for a few weeks.

When we got home, I looked for my mom but couldn't find her. My brother found a note: "I've gone to go pick your sister and pick up some groceries." My brother and I were so happy that our mother trusted us to be alone that we started running around the house and jumping on the couch.

I remembered my brother's promise to play sword and princess and asked him to start the game. He said that we should play upstairs, but I wanted to play the game in the basement. Normally, we were not allowed to play in the basement, but I thought it might make the game more fun.

We went to the basement and started to play forgetting about all the trouble we could get in for being down there. After we played for a half an hour, I asked my brother to get a stuffed bear that was on a hook. He stood on the chair and got it for me, but before he could give it to me he slipped and poked himself in the eye on a sharp piece of hanger.

The next thing I remember was sitting on the floor with blood everywhere on my clothes and my brother holding a paper towel soaked with blood on his face.

My brother lost his sight in his left eye. I think about his accident because I convinced him to play in the basement and I asked him to get me the bear. If we had only stayed upstairs, my brother would still be able to see out of his eye. I learned that some rules are there for our own good.