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I really need help next month I have TOEFL and your comment will help me



parnian 1 / 1  
Oct 7, 2012   #1
A friend of yours has received some money and plans use all of it either to go on vacation or to buy a car. Your friend has asked you for advice. Compare your friend's choices and explain one you think your friend should choose.

Deciding on how to spend money is always tough. If my friend asks me to choose between these two choices "to go on a vacation" or "to buy a car" I definitely select later even if I feel so tired or be on a need of vacation I think buying a car is looking forward.

It is true that I would miss the chance of luxurious trip on Europe or making awesome experience of being in a beach or visiting great country and making a lot of memories, but I believe that with patience I will achieve all of them. I want to emphasize that having a car is more reasonable. In this time and age spending too much money on vacation is waste of money.

In my opinion the former choice is convincing but as I am student it is wise to diminish the life costs. I calculate the expense of transportation and it is much more than gas prices or insurance costs. By car I would reduce huge amount of money that spent on transportation.

Finally I want to point out that car will last for a long time and its benefits are not for a week or a month. By taking care of the car I will save money, energy and time for a couple of years.

In conclusion if a friend wants to consult me I try to persuade her to buy a car. Regardless the fact that having a nice trip brings us more pleasure and in a glance it is tempting but should not do we forget that time is passing and vacation will finished in an eye blink and routine life with its problems will start.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 661  
Oct 7, 2012   #2
to choose between these two choices of "to go on a vacation"

even if I feel so tired or be on a need of vacation I think buying a car is looking forward (I deleted this part because you wrote it before and it is repetitive)

It is true that I would miss the chance of luxurious trip on Europe or making awesome experience of being in a beach or visiting great country and making a lot of memories, but I believe that with patience I will achieve all of them. I want to emphasize that having a car is more reasonable. In this time and age spending too much money on vacation is waste of money.

there are two issues in this paragraph. First of all you did not support what you claimed. Why do you think that spending money on vacation is a wast of money? Why do you think buying a care is more reasonable? Use examples, your experiences, statistics, quotations, etc as supporting statements. Second of all, you did not compare two choices stated in the topic.

the former choice

u used this expression in a separate paragraph. It is not clear for the reader that what you meant by "former choice". Do not make the reader to turn back an find the "former choice" (Consider the reader as a lazy person :))))

In my opinion the former choice is convincing

why is it convincing? it is too vague

but as I am a student it is wise to diminish the lifeliving costs

.

I have calculated the expense

I calculate the expense of transportation and it is much more than gas prices or insurance costs.

use numbers to make this sentence more believable. How much is that higher than insurance costs? You can lie in wiring and you do not need to use real numbers.

By taking care of the car

the use of the word "maintenance" is a better choice in this context.

By taking care of the car I will save money, energy and time for a couple of years.

elaborate on this part. You should use persuasive supporting statements. How can it save your energy and time?

wants to consult mehim/her

I will try to persuade her to buy a car.

Regardless of the fact

but should not do we forget that time is passing and vacation will finished in an eye blink and routine life with its problems will start.
OP parnian 1 / 1  
Oct 10, 2012   #3
Thank you so much, your comments really help me
mytoefl 1 / 2  
Oct 10, 2012   #4
parnian Is this essay for the Independent Writing task???
If yes, then i think you should try adding more information. the word count in only 280 words which is not good for this task.
You should have atleast close to 350 - 400 words to get a decent score in the writing section.
navid_zarif 2 / 3  
Oct 11, 2012   #5
It is true that I would miss the chance of luxurious trip onto Europe
By car I would reduce huge amount of money that is spent on transportation, or
By car I would reduce huge amount of money spent on transportation


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