TOEFL: Students would receive a better education if attending classes for 11 month of a year

Will attending classes for 11 months of a year lead a better education? I concede that in any field of society, such as study and work,

devoting long time will be helpful. However, in my views, and many of others, Studying 11 months of a year overstates the necessity and importance of this long time, so I foundamentally disagree with the statement.

Admittedly, there is no doubt that in a sufficient long period, students will contact more advanced knowledge. Consider, for example, a senior high school student may be able to learn some college courses, such as learning programming or finance lectures. Moreover, more homework will increase students' ability to solve math or science quesitons, and therefore increse the grade. The example of My English teacher in my primary school will underscore this point. She always assigned a lot of homework and teach extra classes in weekend, at the end of that semester, we all got significant prograss in English though we were exhausted.

Despite the merits of the statement, I am convinced attending classes for so long time is totally wrong on acocunt of reasons stated below.
[...]

Hi Nicky.
You have expressed good ideas in your essay, however you have many mistakes in grammar, sentence structure, and spelling.
I will try to mention some of them.


my by lowercase "m"


1. thaught (you have to keep the parallelism of verb tenses in a sentence)
2. at weekend (you can even say on weekend but never in weekend)


decide does not suit here. You can use determine instead.


You have better to rewrite this sentence. Its structure is wrong and it sounds poorly and it is not clear what you want to say here.


do not use article a with plural. Also I believe Matlab is a tool not tools.


which is designed to solve almost all math problems efficiently.


just once


the same task to me and ...


carelessness


correct result


after three days will sound better


Needs to be rewritten For example like this "From this example we can conclude that efficiency is not just completing tasks quickly but what is more important solving it correctly".


Needs to be rewritten. "In addition, for students holiday does not only mean to have a time for games, but rather to have time for rest, when they can involve in some interesting activities, not related to school and studies. This will help them to return to the school refreshed and be ready for another efficient study semester."


we like without as


how to swim or just swimming

I suggest you to go through comments I've written, then you can rewrite your whole essay and post back :)
Good luck

I really appreciate your patience and kindness, and I just want to say thank you very much. :)
PS. I just browsed your website, your photographs are soooooo cool!!! regret to say we can't use facebook..

hi xatu,

Thank you again, for your review. and according to your suggestion, I have modificated this essay, :)

The issue of education is always in the limelight. There are different ways to look at how to get a better education. A large portion of people claim that working hard, such as attending classes for 11 months of a year, will always be helpful. Some of them will say, "My lovely son has a good grade and I will attribute this result to study every day." However, I disagree with this view that attending classes for 11 months of a year lead a better education.

Admittedly, after studying in a sufficient long period, students will learn more advanced knowledge. Consider, for example, a senior high school student may be able to learn some college courses, such as learning programming or finance lectures. Moreover, more homework will increase students' ability to solve basic math or science questions, and therefore increase the grade. The example of my English teacher of my primary school will underscore this point. She always assigned a lot of homework and taught extra classes on weekend, at the end of that semester, we all got significant progress in English though we were exhausted. While there are truly some benefits to study in so long term, it does not erase the fact that there are other factors, may be more important, to judge the education.

First and foremost, it is efficiency not time that determine the result of education. Take my major, math, for example, there is a computer tool named matlab designed to solve almost all math problems efficiently. Once my advisor assigned a same task involving tremendous calculations to me and my friend, Lin. Lin chose to learn matlab, while I chose to work it by my own hand. After a sleep-insufficient week, finally, I calculated the result with totally relived, and then sent it to my advisor. However, my advisor told me my result is wrong, caused by my careless, meanwhile, Lin sent the correct result before three day. From this example, I realized that efficiency is not just completing tasks quickly, but accuracy is more significant. Efficiency is the determining factor to judge the result.

In addition, holiday for students is meaningful for students, holiday does not only mean to have a time for games, but rather to have time for rest, when they can involve in some interesting activities, not related to school and studies. This will help them to return to the school refreshed and be ready for another efficient study semester. During our holiday, we still can learn many other interesting things as we like. During last summer, I learned how to swim and got a swimming prize in our school swimming contest. And so I believe that these interesting things will be helpful in shaping one's personality.

Based upon the aforementioned reasons, I concede the merits of the statement, but I points out that efficiency is more important than devoting long time, and holiday not only gives us opportunity to relax but also allow us to learn some things interesting. So I hold the view that students would not receive a better education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year.

Hi Nicky.
Your second essay is much more better than the first one. There is still some minor mistakes, but overall it is pretty good.
Keep on practicing and write essays as much as you can :)

thank you xatu,

may you get a good GRE score :-)