Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

'You helped America' - Patriots Pen-TELL MY FOUNDING FATHERS

Dancingstar22 1 / 2  
Oct 23, 2012   #1
Here is my essay:

Our founding fathers are some of the greatest people on earth. Their names are still talked about today. They have changed our world so much and have made a great impact on our country. But, before I continue, who are our founding fathers? What have they done? What made them so great? Well, our founding fathers are basically the people who created America. The people who have helped make a strong foundation for the country. There are more than two hundred founding fathers! Some of them are George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Jay, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, John Hancock,and Benjamin Franklin.

Now, so many things have changed. We have so many things they did not have. We have computers, TV's, cell phones, and so much more! We say that we can not survive without these items. How have our forefathers managed? This is what I would tell them about. They changed our world and helped it without any of these gadgets. That must have quite a difficult job for them.

In addition, I would talk about our similarities. For instance, we still have presidential elections today. Currently, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are fighting against each other. Back then, they had plenty of wars! We also have many wars right now. Even now, so many people are hurt while fighting. Many lives are lost. Every day, some family is wishing and hoping that their mother, father, sister, brother, or children will come home.

Finally, I would tell them how our economy is suffering. There are many people without jobs or even homes! How is such a world with such technology in such a terrible condition? There are many people sick and even dying! In fact, we may even have even have the same amount of deaths as our forefathers did.

In summation, I would tell our founding fathers about how they have helped America and how our world is today. What our similarities and differences are. I would tell them that life is like a rollercoaster. It can bring you up and take you down.

What do you guys think? plz give me honest opinion.

cherrypetal - / 1  
Oct 23, 2012   #2
I think you just copied the person named chess something.
ZombAA 2 / 5  
Oct 23, 2012   #3
Try to more details on it, it a good essay, but it would be much better if more detail were tell. Also try to put more interesting examples to support you opinion.
OP Dancingstar22 1 / 2  
Oct 24, 2012   #4
Cherrypetal, I did not copy anyone. And I think you mean chessman567. He is just partcipating in the competition. /I even looked as his/her essay and others to make sure i did not copy anyone. Also, can you plz give me suggestions?
ChocoStrawberry - / 1  
Oct 24, 2012   #5
Hi! in this competition there is a minimum of 300 words its maximum is 400 but I would recomend you to add a little bit more detail to it and as my teacher said its not about how things have changed its how your giving thanks to them for what they have done maybe you could change the presidential debates paragraph for a paragraph about how you give thanks to them forthe declaration of independence and all other great things they've done :) No neeed to thank mee!
humanx 3 / 5 1  
Oct 25, 2012   #6
you should add some details
Roxydoodle - / 1  
Oct 30, 2012   #7
That kind of looks like the format of my essay! Wow
BrwPrd - / 2  
Oct 30, 2012   #8
I would try to combine several sentences that are in your second paragraph as well as in your third paragraph. There were a couple of short sentences that kind of interrupted my flow of reading and I see that some would go great if combined into one sentence.
fashion520 - / 1  
Nov 1, 2012   #9
i am also doing this essay and my NJHS advisor said to try and keep this essay as positive as possible and yours is i believe, too negative

Home / Writing Feedback / 'You helped America' - Patriots Pen-TELL MY FOUNDING FATHERS