IELTS task 1: The highest qualification attained by sex...

Please help me to correct the essay.
I found that it is quite difficult for me to describe the percentage. Please suggest me some IELTS structures to describe it if you know. Thanks a lot.

Topic: The bar chart below shows the highest qualification attained by sex for the working age population in Wales in 2001/2002. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below illustrates the highest qualifications gained by male and female for the working age in Wales in 2001/02.
As we can see from the data that GCE A level and GCSE grade A*-C were attained most by male and female respectively. By contrast, there was a similarity in the percentage of qualifications achievement by both sexes in higher education qualification and degree or equivalent qualifications group. Namely, for the higher education qualification, the percentages were about 8% for men and 9% for women; for the degree or equivalent qualifications, these were approximately 13% by male and 11% by female.

For the GCE A level, the percentage of qualification attainment by male was double the percentage by female. The percentage of male was nearly 30% and the female was only around 15%. However, GCSE showed a reverse pattern, about 28% and 18% respectively of male and female.

Overall, men were more successful in attaining the highest qualification than women.

Here is the chart:

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  1.jpg
  

... good start.


... Better say "The bar chart illustrates" or " The chart shows" .... Don't sound too personal and consume more words here as you are supposed to summarize the information.

Hope the following link would help you gain some knowledge about the writing outline for this task;