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Homelessness IELTS part 2

Quang Bao 5 / 8 1  
Aug 15, 2022   #1

Homelessness is increasing in many major cities around the world.

What do you think are the main causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?

In spite of the recent advancements, lack of shelter is witnessed to have surged over the past years. The current status of overpopulation and unemployment are primarily responsible for this, but if the authority advocates stricter family as well as socio-economic plans, more human beings will afford housing.

To begin with, the olverwhelming appearances in various wealthy cities significantly contributes to how seriously people are lacking home. Owing to the prosperity of such developed places as New York or London, many country dwellers follow the rural depopulation not only acquire more well-qualified higher education but also seek more potential career opportunities than in their poor and far-flung hometowns. The overloaded inflow that has been continuous until now are likely to put pressure on housing problems as another welfare controversy, but this will be not too serious as long as people keep obeying regulations regarding newborns in each family. For instance, in two top overpopulated nations China and Vietnam, the governments have, for decades, more profoundly encouraged adults to give birth to not over two children, otherwise, receive adverse penalties.

In addition, the serious lack of occupations can also be viewed as a major reason. In other words, if an individual had not been well-trained with regard to profession in retrospect, no member of staff would find a suitable job and make a living now which are essential for basic needs like a house to be sustained. Therefore, a feasible solution would again originate from the governments whose roles are to advocate the expansion of existing companies as well as the opening of new start-ups. To illustrate, once they execute a lower tax payment global agreement, the economy will rise consitstently and immensely, so the homeless may be faciliated to step on more open career paths and inevitably earn more money to purchase a house or an apartment.

In conclusion, this dilemma explicitly results from the intensity of cities as well as the unemployment. It is also insisted that the authority should play an integral part in tackling this serious issue.

I wrote this for 5 minutes above allowed, but I cannot really think of a way to shorten any sentence, can you give me feedback and suggestions please? I will be very grateful!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,210 4317  
Aug 16, 2022   #2
The reason that there was an over writing time is because the writer was focused on writing reasons rather than discussions. Notice how there are more than 2 topics per paragraphs, with some topics veering into unrelated or deviated discussion focus for the presentation. These will definitely cause timing problems for the writer. For example:

The overloaded inflow that has been continuous until now are likely to put pressure on housing problems as another welfare controversy,

This is an example of an irrelevant discussion that cut into the writing time. Never lose focus of the subject matter. Do not add discussions that would alter the original target. It wastes time and takes up valuable word count that could be used to create a more definitive discussion presentation. Please take note of how the accompanying solution presentation is left hanging. The proposed solution, as it applies to Vietnam is not completely explained to the reader. Creating an inconclusive discussion paragraph.

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