An increasing number of people begin to discuss whether it is important for families to regularly eat their meals together. A majority of people seems to believe that the member form families have their own tasks such as school assignments and works from their jobs. However, I strongly disagree with such a perspectives for the following reasons.
The most critical reason supporting my positions is that people could share their lives with their families when they have meals together. To further elaborate, people spend most of their time with classmates or colleagues and they can build a good relationship with their families. A fitting case in point could be found in Taiwanese. According to statistic provided by department of psychology in National Taiwan University, over seventy percent of people have meals with their families once a day and the data also point that people also be more happy than before. To explain, families discuss their problem or interested things, they will give suggestions to each other and share their perspectives. Thus, it can be observed that people could not only clam down the negative emotion but also absorb positive energy.
The second reason is that people can learn a lot. That is to say, people could gain knowledge when they chat with the elders from their family. Take myself as example, I faced plentiful of problems when I started to my first job. Also, I had mistakes day by day and I felt disappointed. But, I told my situation with my families when we ate dinner together every night. My mom shared her own experience to me, my sister encouraged me, and my father taught me methods about how to solve problems. Moreover, families would share their own opinions that they learned from their own experience so it would be more touched and useful. As a result, I improve the hard situation and I become a manager in my company now because the ways which were taught by my families .
In sum, there may be some people who may disagree with my position on this matter. However, I think the reasons I offer in favor of my point of view are stronger.
ere may be some p
you can write better your conclusion
try again for it
Hello Lin.
This is a TOEFL essay no? I had the same topic when I took the test.
In any case, your essay is... I would give it a 3 out of 10. Here are the reasons why.
1. Although you did point out your points, they are not specific and even confusing... especially your first body paragraph.
Take a look at what you wrote: To further elaborate, people spend most of their time with classmates or colleagues and they can build a good relationship with their families . ----- What does this exactly mean? People hanging out with classmates and peers will enable a good relationship with families? What are you talking about?
Also, the first sentence in your 1st body, take a look: The most critical reason supporting my positions is that people could share their lives with their families when they have meals together . How is this different from your second body main idea? Sharing different ideas and sharing the events of lives are practically the same.
2. Even if you did point out specifically, your examples are rather dull and repetitive.
Take a look: My mom shared her own experience to me, my sister encouraged me, and my father taught me methods about how to solve problems. ------> this is just dull. It's boring. Put some adjectives like
(My patient mother shared her own similar experience to me, my kind, gentle sister pushed me forwards, and my wise father lectured me methods on solving predicaments.) You see how you get to describe your family at the same time?
3. your introduction and conclusion are dangerously weak. There's no hook for the intro or a summary of your points/point in the conclusion. I highly suggest you read several TOEFL essay examples before you re-write.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for your suggestions. It's really useful and help me a lot.
I'm preparing TOEFL and it's my first time use this website. Actually, I don't know how to reply...lol
But, I'll revise it. Thanks again. :)
Some proofreading at the end is required to get rid of the grammar mistakes. You write well and you have a good approach to the essay. Improving grammar skills and your conclusion could be a good boost.
Burki, Really? That's all you are going to offer? I just saw your comment on Ah_Zafari thread. You're not helping at all. There are those who actually read and proofread everyone's essays free of charge and this is how you react to the community? That's downright shameless and rude. You are exploiting the kindness of others just for your own good. Why don't you actually begin giving some helpful information and not just some random words that confuse the writer?
