[TOEFL independent task] What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult?

Please give me some advice about my essay.

People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

ANS:

child/adult turning-point

There is a huge gap between children and adults. It ranges from behavior to thoughts. We may easily tell the mature adult from innocent children due to these patterns. What kind of events that causes this change? People may raise varied aspects as an answer. As for me, I would say, it definitely will be those 'turning points' in their life. And I'll describe it in the following.

Being left behind will make children an adult. It's a extremely heartbroken situation, but we must admit it. For example, China has experienced its rapid develop rate recent years. The GDP of China had become the top 2 in the world--just behind America. And numerous foreign companies set up their office in China, like Johnson & Johnson, etc. In fact, manufacture workers have paid much effort into the rapid development. The workers come to big cities seeking for opportunities, which means their kids could only be left at home. The responsibility of caring the whole family has left on their shoulders: they need to care for the young and the old; they will cook for them; even some will drop the school so that their younger sister of brother could go to primary school. Everything has forced them to be grown up and mature enough.

The children with a broken family would be acting like an adult. In those family, the responsibilities of parents will be passed to the young children. In order to carry that on, what choice do they have other than being mature? I had a good friend in high school. Unfortunately, his parents has been divorced since he was only 10 year old. When I first met him, I just thought that he was such a gentle guy--as mature as an adult. Later when we were in a relationship, I finally knew these stories about him. Because of their divorcement, he was raised up by his grandparents. Their body was not that healthy enough, so most of the time he needed to care for them. He tells me that at that time it was really a big shock for him which almost makes him grow up over a night.

Those 'turning-points' I mentioned above are really a turning in a child's life. After that, there lives would have a reversion: some are forced to live alone while others are forced to carry the burden which are beyond their abilities. In order to carry them on, they have no other options to choose but accept it and become mature. That's what makes a sincere children become a mature adult.

Hi, this really wasn't the response I was expecting from this prompt. When I read the prompt, I think of experiences that many or most people go through on their way to adulthood - maybe leaving their parent's home, getting a job or going to college, living on their own, or even getting married. Or you could talk about ceremonies such as Quinceneras or Bar Mitzvahs. I guess you did address the prompt. Still, your thesis statement does not seem to match the rest of your essay. I expected to read about turning points, but instead your whole essay was about parents leaving their children. And this was vague to me. Do you mean parents completely abandoning their families, or parents moving to cities while their kids stay behind in the villages, or parents going to work every day and leaving their kids alone in the apartment? To me, you could have made this more clear. And I would expect to see how someone raised like this would be different than those with a more typical upbringing. What about being left behind makes a person an adult? Also, a lot of your sentences give background information like foreign companies and GDP instead of sticking to the topic. Finally, you should make better use of transitions to being your paragraphs as well as inside the paragraphs. Here are some specific suggestions.

and adults, with differences ranging from behavior {"it" was unclear to me before}

mature adult from the innocent child due {make sure your structures are parallel}

events cause this change?

will be those 'turning points' in their life. {I don't really like these quotes}

And I'll describe exactly what I mean in the following.

Being left behind {add a transition to begin your paragraph}

will make a child an adult.

extremely heartbreaking situation {the situation is unclear to me - what do you mean by leaving children behind?}

,experienced a rapid development rate in recent years.

companies have set up their offices in China

manufacturing workers

seeking for opportunities

caring for the whole family has been left

some will even drop out of school so

The children from a broken family {or "of"} would be acting like adults. In those families

his parents had been divorced

I finally learned these stories

their divorce, he was raised up by his grandparents. They were not that healthy enough

almost made him grow up overnight.

After that, their lives would have a reversion

carry the burdens which are beyond

carry them on,

Sophia, I think you did not post the full original prompt for the discussion. The topic sentence is missing. All we have is the introduction and the discussion instruction. That is why your essay is a bit difficult to analyze in terms of purpose and response validity. However, since I am a native English speaker, I am capable of piecing together most of what the original prompt might have been asking of you. That is why I have a totally different take on your essay in terms of its response to the (possible) prompt. I believe that it is highly effective in explaining the reasons why you believe that the economic boom of China has resulted in turning points in the lives of the children.

The problem, does not lie in your reasoning but rather, your presentation of the opening paraphrase. Personally, I believe that your presentation would have been better if you had given the presentation a personal insight right from the very start. I would have said something like:

It is widely accepted that children and adults are of different in many ways. However, there are times or circumstances in a child's life that force the child to become an adult. My experience as child of a "separated due to work" family will best illustrate the points that turned me, as a child into an adult. In this essay, will be discussing that turning point in my life.

I became an adult because my parents left my siblings and I behind so they could work to support our family. This is something that is normal among families in China. It is a heartbreaking in any situation but it builds a responsible child adult in the process. The separation is caused by the rising economy of China. It is the 2nd largest in the world behind America. So large international companies come to build factories in China, which results in a migrant worker boom. Parents leave their children in favor of work. The eldest child, who in this case, was me, is often left to take care of the family and fulfill adult responsibilities.

My family was broken so I needed to become an adult. Their responsibilities passed on to me. Responsibilities such as...

There are times when a TOEFL essay requires a personal insight into the matter, using personal experiences to strengthen the discussion. This essay is one of those sorts. It would have been highly beneficial for your TOEFL score if you had used your experience solely as the driving point for the discussion because the examiners tend to score personal experience and knowledge higher than the theoretical explanations.