TOEFL - Toefl independent Review- Some Young Adults wants independence from their parents .......

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the life under parent's guidance or on one's own

Some might argue that young adults must live independently away from parents while, I prefer to live with parents for a longer time for the following reasons. Living with parents allows us to concentrate on various other extracurricular tasks, which don't contain family and daily responsibilities. Parents look after us, in terms of daily requirements like food, clothing, and other basic needs.

First of all, depending on parents is nothing wrong, till a certain age, under their guidance I can learn to live in the society with good morals. For Example, when I was 15 years old, my dad guided me in choosing between a bad path and a good path, as my proclivity was towards alcohol and drugs, he convinced me ill effects of them and thus saved me from the grave dangers in my teen ages, whereas my friends who were living independently were under the influence of alcohol and drugs, thus ruining their future.

Second of all, my parents had been looking after my career decisions and my daily expenses, by completely reducing the burden of paying my bills. For Example, When I was 18 years old, I had been depending on my parents and they helped me in choosing my career path as engineering in Electronics, and as well as paid my engineering fees, whereas one of my friends was independent away from his parents and had no support in choosing his career path and he had to work hard to earn for paying his engineering college fees and couldn't concentrate on the studies either.

In conclusion, I am elated and blessed to live under my parent's guidance, as they are always encouraging and looking after me for my wellbeing.

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  Question for independent task
  

Since this a TOEFL test, you do not need to follow the format of an IELTS test. You are not expected to restate the prompt topic in this test. You are however, expected to proper give your opinion and a clear opinion within 280-400 words. All within 30 minutes. So, your first paragraph, you could have opened with your opinion immediately, which would tie in with the given prompt topic. You were actually able to do that from the part where you said "I I prefer to live..."

You gave a very good defense of your opinion in this presentation. You have properly used the personal examples and reasons to the extent that the paragraph meaning and intention was always clear to the reader. Sure the language wasn't perfect. That did not matter in this case. All that mattered, was that you clearly explained yourself to the reader. By the way, you don't need to say "In conclusion" every time you want to close an essay. Try to avoid using memorized place holder phrases like that. Just indicate a conclusion in a normal manner. Close the essay with a strong supporting statement with regards to the topic and your opinion.

You might want to try an improve your vocabulary by writing a little bit longer. The more chances you have of showing an advanced, but natural sounding vocabulary in the essay, the better your chances of getting a higher score.