Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

On the Inland of Hispanolia


RangedCrow 1 / 4  
Mar 7, 2009   #1
Hello, my name is Bonnie Hines, and I am currently 16, and am taking an online History class. I have an essay due tomarrow night concerning the Spanish massacar. I wrote the following essay and would very much appreachiate it if you would let read and sugest how I can impporve and polish it to be the very best I can make it

Thanking you very much for your time and input,
Bonnie Hines

The following is the assignment:

In speaking against the enslavement of the Natives in the document "Of the Island of Hispaniola," the Dominican priest Bartolomé de las Casas wrote the following:

"God has created all these numberless people to be quite the simplest, without malice or duplicity, most obedient, most faithful to their natural lords, and to the Christians, whom they serve..."

Bartolome De Las Casas, the protector of the Native American Indians, was born in 1474 in Seville. In 1502 he traveled to American working as a conquistador under Christopher Columbus, and in return for his labor, he was granted a share of land and Indian Slaves to work it. During the time he spent in America, Las Casas was an eyewitness to the constant, brutal Mistreatment of the Indians. Finally, after observing a most disturbing scene concerning an Indian Chief preferring to go to hell instead of excepting Christianity because he was told "White men go to heaven". Las Casas realized just how far the Spanish had gone in turning the Indians' hate towards them. After retiring from his life as Spanish soldier and becoming a priest, Las Casas dedicated the remainder of his life to ending Indian slavery and working towards ending the Indian persecution. On one such effort, Las Casas wrote "On the Inland of Hispaniola" document that would later spread though the rest of the world to reveal just how cruel the Spanish soldiers had become.

Ever since Christopher and his men had landed on America and had made contact with their first Indians, it was quite clear to both sides that the Spanish were far more superior to the Natives in both military strength and in intelligence. As with keeping in the belief that almost all of society had at that time, the Spanish saw that the worth of a human was based almost exclusively on the power and intellect that that individual possessed. Without knowledge, there would be no respect, and without power, a person could become overpowered and used by others. Thus, when the Spanish soldier saw that they could easily cheat and do whatever they wanted to so to the Indians, and even reasoned that it was in their rights to do so,

for they saw that they were of a much higher class and superior to the Indians, and so eventually, continuing in that belief there were able to openly justify the unspeakable cruelties and wrongs that they had done the Natives without being rebuked or feeling remorse.

K_Swiss 1 / 9  
Mar 8, 2009   #2
Story behind the "The Inland of Hispaniola"

Bartolome De Las Casas, the protector of the Native American Indians, was born in 1474 in Seville on 1474 . In 1502 he traveled to Americanby working as a conquistador under Christopher Columbus, and in return for his labor, he was granted a share of land and Indian Slaves to work it.

Finally, after observing athe most disturbing scene concerning an Indian Chief preferring to go to hellrefused to acceptinstead of excepting Christianity because he was told "White men go to heaven" (by whom??) . Las Casas realized justthe extent they influenced the Spaniards to assimilate in which Spaniards repressed them.how far the Spanish had gone in turning the Indians' hate towards them.He became a priest a fter retiring from his life as a Spanish soldier and becoming a priestbecause he desired to end, Las Casas dedicated the remainder of his life to ending Indian slavery and working towards ending the Indians' persecution. On one such effort, Las Casas also wrote "On the Inland of Hispaniola" thatdocument that would later spread though the rest of the world to revealedthe progressing cruelty of Spaniard solders.just how cruel the Spanish soldiers had become.

You need to choose your words carefully so that your paper sounds better. By the way, where's your introduction?

Ever since Christopher and his men hadarrived to landed on America and had made contacted with thetheir first Indians, it was quite clearevidentto both sides that the Spanish were far more superior to the Natives in both military strength and in intelligence. As with keeping in the belief that almost all of society had at that time (??) , the Spanish saw that the worth of a human was based almost exclusively on the power and intellect that thatthe individual possessed to have control and respect . Without knowledge, there would be no respect, and without power, a person could become overpowered and used by others. Thus, when the Spanish soldiers saw that they could easily cheat and do whatever they wanted to so to the Indians, and even reasoned that it was in their rights to do so,

for they saw that they were of a much higher class and superior to the Indians, and so eventually, continuing in that belief there were able to openly justify the unspeakable cruelties and wrongs that they had done the Natives without being rebuked or feeling remorse. --- RUN ON SENTENCE..
OP RangedCrow 1 / 4  
Mar 8, 2009   #3
Thank you so much K_Swiss, I did not realize how choppy and unclear my paper is and, am now working to revise the rest of it as well (any further suggestions would be greatly appreciated)

I do not think that my introduction is clear... I did not intended to write first paragraph as the story behind Las Casas's life, and his document "On the Inland of Hispaniola," then the second and third paragraph was meant to contain the introduction. Following this, was the body of the report, but it looks like I was not able to make this clear in my paper.... Can you (or anyone else) give me some suggestions how I can clarify this in my paper?

Thank you so much,
Bonnie
K_Swiss 1 / 9  
Mar 8, 2009   #4
Story behind the "The Inland of Hispaniola"
Bartolome De Las Casas, the protector of the Native American Indians, was born in Seville on 1474. In 1502 he traveled to America working as a conquistador under Christopher Columbus, and was granted a share of land as well as Indian slaves to work it [for him]. During the time he spent in America, Las Casas was an eyewitness to the constant, brutal mistreatment of the Indians in America. Finally,After he observedobserving the most disturbing scene concerningaboutan Indian Chief refuseding to accept Christianity because he was told "White men go to heaven", Las Casas realized just the Spanish significantly influenced the Indians to hate them. how far the Spanish had gone in turning the Indians' hate towards them.He dedicated his life to end the Indian's prosecution OR slavery after he retired as a solder.After retiring as a soldier because he desired to end Indian slavery and work towards ending the Indians' persecution.(both mean the same thing, remove one to avoid redundancy) Las Casas also wrote "On the Inland of Hispaniola that revealed the progressing cruelty of the Spanish soldiers.

Ever since Christopher and his men arrived to America and contacted with the Indians, it was evident that the Spanish were far more superior to the Natives in both military strength and intelligence. The Spanish believed As with keeping in the belief that almost all of society had at that time, the Spanish saw that people respected and followed individuals who possessed power and intellect. the worth of a human was based almost exclusively on the power and intellect an the that individual possessed to have to control and respect. Thus, when the Spanish soldiers manipulated the Indians to obey them because saw that they could easily cheat and do whatever they wanted to do to the Indians, and even reasoned that it was in their rights to do so, for they saw that they were of a much higher class and superior thanto the Indians. Thus,Eventually, the Spanish were able to continuing in that belief there were able to openly justify the unspeakable cruelties and wrongs that they had donecommitted tothe Natives without being rebuked or feeling remorse.

However, Father Las Casas and others like him howeverthey did not perceivedthat the Indians aswerestupiddim-witted, so that the priests educated and protectdas in their lack of ability to learn, but, saw the Indians, as uneducated sheep, in need of a shepherd, or a educator to guide and protect them as America grew more and more populated with the more advanced and sophisticated Spanish colonies who were settling their land . Although Father Las Casas had seen that the Naitives were inferior in strength and knowledge, he did not believe that they were any less human then any other human being.

Supporting the view that the Spanish had concerning the Indians, Catholic theologian, Juan Ginés de SepĂșlveda, opposed Las Casas theory that he supported the notion of Indian slavery and said atLas Cassas's complete opposite spoke the following in engaging Las Cassas in a debate that took place in King Jame's court that would decided the future of Indian slavery :

"Being slaves by nature, [the Indians], uncivilized, barbarian and inhuman, refuse to accept the rule of those civilized [the Spaniards] and with much more power than them."

This perfect example displaysportraysthe most common view ofthat the Spanish'shad concerning their "rights" to dominate the Indians. Juan Ginés de SepĂșlveda proclamation demonstratedBy stating that the Indians were barbarians and inhuman, and that they themselves were Civilized and had much more power then them, displays just how the Spanish came to the conclusion of how to determine one's humanity. Las Cassas also wrote of this view by his analogizing the Indians as "Sheep" and the Spanish as "Wolves":

"Among these gentle sheep, gifted by their Maker with the above qualities, the Spaniards entered as soon as soon as they knew them, like wolves, tiger and lions which had been starving for many days..."

This analogy that Las Cassas used perfectly illustrates the relationship between the Spanish and the Indians such thatBeing that the Indians were both the weaker and less educated, and they were preyed upon by the Spanish. "Wolves."

Many people think believed that the Spanish soldiers who mistreated the Indians were a group of godless brutes who, going against all forms of conscience, dealt such treacheries to the Indians, that they could never justify themselves for their actions, what they had done and were thus, they were condemned by God and the government when news of their brutality reached Spain. This, although it is true to a certain extent, is for the most part, wrong. It is surprising how, after a time a horrid act can be manipulated into something that becomes completely justifiable to a person. (what??? the soldiers justified their acts and did not face consequences???) Las Casas wrote of one such practice describing the incorporation with religion into their terrible practices (??? unclear): "They made a gallows just high enough for the feet to nearly touch the ground, and by thirteens, in honour and reverence of our Redeemer and the twelve Apostles, they put wood underneath and, with fire, they burned the Indians alive." The passage reveals From this passage, it is quite clear that the Spanish considered themselves to be good Christians, and that not only did they think their actionsthat what they were doing was expectable, but also incorporatedby incorporating religion into their massacres, in which they showed that they thought it was in their rights to do so.

Everyone believed the popular assumption that the Indians were Although everyone who knew that Indians existed knew that they were uncivilized, and uneducated and it was also a popular belief that the Indians did not have the ability to learn, being as they were nonhuman. Father Las Cassas, did not, however believe that that was the caseopposed this belief. In "On the Inland of Hispaniola," Las Cassas wrote:

"God has created all these numberless people to be quite the simplest, without malice or duplicity, most obedient, most faithful to their natural Lords, and to the Christians, whom they serve..."

This statement is often interpreted Although at first glance it appears that Father Las Cassasis writingwrote that God has created them (who are them??) to be "stupid". (use another word for stupid and use active voice, don't use "to be")Further readings of this book indicate otherwise (avoid using first narrative )I do not think that this is the case, being that later on in this document , (The unabridged version) Las Casas wrote the following:

"They are innocent and pure in mind and have a lively intelligence, all of which makes them particularly receptive to learning and understanding the truths of our Catholic faith and to being instructed in virtue; indeed, God has invested them with fewer impediments in this regard than any other people on earth."

Thus, it would appear that Las Casas meant to say that did not mean to say that they were created stupid, but were made capable of being educated, but remained uneducated.

Although Las Casas and Juan Ginés were quick to defend the group that they were supporting, and to point out the wrongs of the other, each side failed to recognize the weight of the injury that their own side had done. The Indians were inaccurately portrayed bynot really the way Las Casas had portrayed them to be in his writings, and as a result, theyhehad damaged the Spanish a great deal more than hethe priest would have liked to admit. Nevertheless But even though the Indians afflicted the Spanish a good amount of damage in which the Spanish undoubtedly had done much greater harm to the Indians then they had received from them.

Along with Spanish's belief that they were far more superior then the Indians, there were manyother factors that contributed to why the reasons why the Spanish were so cruel to the Indians. To start with (use another sign post), the Indians were constantly attacking and destroying their settlements at random, and the Spanish returned the favourso it would only be natural for the Spanish to do the same to them . To add to thisAdditionally, the Spanish tried when the Spanish did wish to have a civilized peace treaty with the Indians, but the Indians backstabbed the Spanish because theyit was common for the tribe in which they had made an alliances with to attack them, being that each Indian had greater alliances withwithin his family and network of other tribes. The Spanish were unaware ofSo, for the Spanish who did not know about the Indian's separate alliances, and the peace treaty became complex.it must have greatly complicated things when an Indians from a tribe that they were at peace with would suddenly attack them. This would have given the Spanish the impression that the Indians were indeed, the untrustworthy anduncivilized savages that they thought them to be .

Oh by the way, Titles are italicized not "quoted".
OP RangedCrow 1 / 4  
Mar 8, 2009   #5
Hello! sorry to bother you agian, but I corrected the paper and re-wrote most of the third paragraph, so if you have the time and do not feel pesterd, this is my most current version: (I am still working on it right now)

I am so indebted to you for your help,
Bonnie
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 8, 2009   #6
Hey, you are a hard-working student! It's great that you are working so hard at your writing.

...it was evident that the Spanish were far more superior to the...

Thus The Spanish believed thus the Spanish soldiers manipulated the Indians to obey them, believing themselves to be of a much higher class. and superior then the Indians.

Along with the Spanish's belief that they were far more superior to the Indians, other factors contributed to the reasons why the Spanish were cruel to them Indians . Firstly , the Indians were constantly attacking and destroying their settlements at random and the Spanish returned the favor. Additionally the Spanish tried to have a civilized peace treaty with the Indians, but the Indians backstabbed the Spanish because they had greater alliances with tribes. The Spanish were unaware of the Indians ' separate alliances, and the peace treaty became complex.

I guess I think that it is better to refer to the Indians as Native Americans, or simply Natives.

The essay ends sort of abruptly...

try to always say more with fewer words -- for efficiency.

Good luck with this online class! Taking a college class at 16 years old??
OP RangedCrow 1 / 4  
Mar 9, 2009   #7
Hello, thank you so, so much for helping me out!
I replaced evey "Natives" with "Native Americans"
I fixed the last corrections, and re-wrote a ton of my paper trying to convey more with fewer words,
and leaghtned the ending of the report
Finally, I submitted my paper last night, and am much more confident about getting a good grade, being that the sugestions you made have realy helped establish the flow of the paper and helped express what I was trying to say in a more effecient way -Thank you!! -I'll be sure to tell you what I got once it's graded!

Yup, this is my second Colledge class, "American History" but even though I have been writing a ton of papers, I am still having a lot of trouble orginizing and writing papers the way I would like to... Right now I am downlading some writing software that I hope will help me with these problems...

You seemed to know a lot about writing papers, are you in colledge too?! Or, are you a professor?!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 10, 2009   #8
No D in Colledge! There, that'll save you some embarrassment. I made the same mistake through my whole freshmen year!! I thought there was a D in "college"!! :) Great minds think alike.

No, none of us are professor's, not that I know of. You don't need to be a student or a professor to appreciate good writing. Composition is what we are good at, so we make this our contribution.

Hey, did you mean you replaced "Indians" with Native Americans," because that is better.

As for that software... rather than relying on software, just read Stephen King's On Writing and Strunk and White's Elements of Style. Surely, there are other good sources, but those are the ones I know. They are brilliant.

If you want to write well, think of rhythm.
If you want to write well, play the drums. The thing about the reader is, the reader is a person, and us people need some soothing, rhythmic prose.

Also, eliminate all unnecessary words. Write like a rapper, or a rhetor, or a song, and the reader thinks you're powerful -- says, hey, you're a good writer! All your papers can have rhythm, like a song.
OP RangedCrow 1 / 4  
Mar 11, 2009   #9
Hello! Thanks for the suggesting those books, I love Stephen King's novels, so I really look forward to reading "On Writing," and I actually own "Elements of Style," but haven't read it until now. Oh, and BTW, I just got my results for the Paper and got 95 out of 100!! My professor wrote the following:

Very good paper! The only point I really have a quarrel with is the fact you don't have a separate conclusion at the end. You seem like you are proving your point right up until the end

Thank you sooo much for your help and sugestions!
-Bonnie


Home / Writing Feedback / On the Inland of Hispanolia