Introduction essay for Death of a Salesman prompt- Critiques?

Prompt: In the play, "Death of a Salesman," Willy is proud of putting up the living-room ceiling and making a cement porch. How is the image of working with his hands carried through the play? In an essay show the several instances where this image is used, and then also decide what this image means. You must tie the image to meaning in order to complete the essay. Use direct quotes to prove your point!

My Introduction

Throughout the play "Death of a Salesman", the theme of working with one's hands is conveyed as a form of escape for both Willy and Biff. Although business and money captivate the essence of Willy's mind, Willy often expresses his evasion from the business world and the world of reality through physical work. Biff, disobliged to the business world, craves working with his hands out in nature. Willy's need to build in times of hardship and Biffs animosity towards the business world but affection towards the naturalistic world depict the image of true happiness and escape. While their true desires lie in the natural world, Willy and Biff continue to live a life of false reality.

often expresses his evasion from the business ...

Do you mean to say that he had a distaste for the business world? I don't remember the details of the story! If i did, I could probably figure out what you are trying to say. But "evasion" means the act of avoiding or dodging something. Maybe you mean to say:

...often expresses his aversion to the business world.

You should explain the false reality thing instead of just saying it all of a sudden. Change some sentences in this paragraph so that the reader understands what you mean when you say, in the last sentence, that they live a life of false reality.

:)

You're on the right track. Willy is only truly happy when he is working with his hands. If he had become a tradesman, he would have probably done very well for himself. Instead, he decides he wants to be #1, to make money and influence people, so he goes into sales. But, he isn't really very good at sales, and is fairly unhappy at his work. Biff, on the other hand, knows perfectly well that he would be happiest working on a ranch, and so decides to engage in the true American Dream, the pursuit of happiness, rather than in Willy's corrupted version of it.