The investment in health promotion is more crucial than the treatment of people who are already ill

IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - money for health care

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment It is believed that the investment of money in health promotion is more crucial than the treatment of people who are already ill To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that the investment of money in health promotion is more crucial than the treatment of people who are already ill. In my opinion, I disagree with this view as both the former and the latter have the same importance.

Admittedly, there are many good reasons to say that spending money on enhancing a healthy lifestyle is a good way to prevent us from illness. This is predicated on the assumption that when we have healthy diets, and do exercises on a regular basis can improve our overall health. One might argue that only those who have enough finance can purchase salubrious food, and equipment to do exercises. However, this line of reasoning is not sound as people can eat at home, which is cheaper than using fast food and readily-made meals, and they can resort to do other cost-effective activities such as running or jogging rather than doing gym.

I am of the opinion that ill people need to have treatments and be spent an equal amount of money. The key reason is there are certain kinds of people should have special treatments. For example, those suffering from incurable diseases such as heart disease or cardiovascular disease, their bodies are required to undergo various treatment stages with medical equipment. Moreover, in economically disadvantaged countries, the phenomenon of lacking medical equiments and budget to meet the requirements of treatment is apparent, thus, spending money on treating ill people is utterly necessary.

In conclusion, both peoples's lifestyles and treatments should be funded equally as the former can help us reduce the potential of suffering while the latter could help patients have better methodologies to cure.

The infomation provided in the original prompt was represented properly in the reworded paragraph. That is a plus for this presentation. However, the minus comes from the inadequate response of the writer to the extent question. There are 2 reasons for the inadequacy in the presentation:

1. The writer only disagreed with the opinion provided. The expected measured / emotional response is missing from the final answer. The response will only receive partial scoring due to the incomplete nature of the response format.

2. While it will be acceptable for the writer to take a "middle of the road" response to the question, the lack of thesis statement presentation based on topic reasoning made the response incomplete.

The writer has wasted the second paragraph as a scoring consideration. Rather than presenting acceptable reasons for the discussion of a specific opinion, he chose to create an elaborate 2nd introduction to the topic instead. It will not receive any scoring consideration. This leaves the discussion under developed in totality.

The opinion the writer presents in the second paragraph does not support his previous claim in his opinion statement. This discrepancy will result in a failed discussion score in reference to the coherence and cohesiveness of the overall paragraphs. The writer has not written a passing score essay. There is no clear connection between the original discussion points and the discussion essay the writer created.

@Holt
Thank you so much! can you guess which band I can have??