Kids should be guided to find well balance between electronic entertainment and outdoor activities

Hi All,
Please correct my essay and give feed back as soon as possible.
Thanks...

In the present day world has become a global village. As a result number of factors has enormous growth since last two decades. Such as communication , technology etc. Advancement of technology computer has huge innovation in all over the world and also in this domain has given birth to many electronic devises. Such as smart phones, tablets, MP 3 players etc. As this reason children bounden to do the outside playing sports.

In the society majority of people believe out door activities significant part of the children's life to developed their inter personal skills. Such as competition, teamwork, decision making and also leadership skills etc. Further physical activities help to develop mentally strong and physical fit and well balanced life. Furthermore outdoor games such as cricket, football ,netball, basketball would make them healthy now and it help their for better future. If they did not involve to the physical activities when they were young many of them have face today higher level of obesity and related diseases such as diabetes.

On the other hand the world today is dominated by computers and modern electronic devises. In the very young age children are motivated to use computers and also they are addicted some games, but some games are very intelligent. Further computers and electronic entertainment will cause their physical health illness. Because majority of children stay long times in front of computers or play games and it will impact some Health diseases. For instance visual problems. Further those entertainment has time killer. Because when kids are begin to play games they do not feel anything and they don't like to get up till end.

In conclusion, when I consider all given factors it clearly show computers and electronic entertainment has tremendous growth in the society and while there are advantages with this proposal there are some negative effects. Therefore I can't fully agree this statement and I believe parents should guide and encourage their kids to find well balance between electronic entertainment and outdoor activities.

I first want to suggest that you place a comma after transition words. These words are: Furthermore, On the other hand, Further, For instance, and Therefore.

First paragraph: Open this essay with the word, "The" instead. When you begin the next sentence you should only discuss technology. Ex: As a result, technology has gown since the last two decades. When you begin a sentence with such and don't add very many details it is an incomplete sentence. Delete this from your paper. Such as communication , technology etc . You should combine these next two sentences. Advancement in technology all over the world has produced many electronic devises such as smart phones, tablets, MP3 players, etc. I don't understand your position in this paragraph. Do you believe that excessive use of electronic devices causes children to miss out on outdoor activities?

2nd paragraph: I think this first sentence needs to be simple also add it to the next sentence. Remember what was stated in the previous paragraph about beginning with the word such. Here is how I suggest you combine the sentence: A majority of people think that outdoor activities help children to develop interpersonal skills such as competition, teamwork, decision making, leadership skills, etc... When you add too many words, the meaning can become harder to understand. I think there are minimal changes in the next sentence. Place a comma between Further and physical. You should state, "help them to be mentally", because you are still discussing children. The word and should be replaced with a comma and physical changed to physically.

I have some more corrections to suggest. I will continue to help you with this a little later.

Hi lcturn87,

Thank you for reviewing and suggestions,,,,, It really help me to improve my writing skills,
Thanks
Shani777

I hope you are starting to make changes. Here are some more suggestions to help you further:

2nd paragraph continued.. This sentence you want to end with, "now and help them have a better future. This next sentence you want to express that if children don't engage in physical activities they may have a higher risk of obesity...

3rd paragraph: I forgot to mention that devises is spelled devices. Change this throughout your paper if it was misspelled. I would start this next sentence as, "At a very young age". I think you have to change this sentence to reflect that they are addicted to electronic games. You should take this out: but some games are very intelligent . In the next sentence, I would simply state, "cause them health issues". Starting a sentence with because can be tricky, especially if there is not enough information to make it a complete sentence. I would avoid discussing entertainment as being a time killer. You should delete this sentence. You only want to discuss how playing computer or electronic games for an extended period of time or a long time can cause visual problems. Now you need to discuss how this happens. Do they strain their eyes? What happens to cause this problem? The last sentence, I feel you are telling the reader that the problem exists because kids don't take breaks from electronic games because they want to win. Is this correct?

4th paragraph: The first sentence you need to have a word before computers. You can state: "shows that computers". I would end this sentence with, "has had tremendous growth in society". You can start a new sentence using, "While". However, I am unsure what you mean by proposal. Please explain. This last sentence could change your whole essay. Do you feel that children need a balance in playing with electronics and engaging in outdoor activities? You can use my question as a guide to help you write your last sentence. However, don't forget to mention that this has health benefits. In the last sentence of your essay, you want everything to make sense. Overall, the last paragraph is for you to restate your main points.

I hope this will help you.

Hi,

Many thanks for your kind instructions and I will correct as it is. Further it's really immortant me to improve my writing skills.

Thanks

Hi could you please correct this for me,

Thanks

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MOD comment:One essay at one time please - you should make a separate thread for this new one