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Our life is very different from this life that our parents and grandparents used to live

Van Nhi Nguyen 1 / -  
Feb 16, 2017   #1

Technology and traditional cultures

Nowadays, our life is very different from this life that our parents and grandparents used to live about 10 or 20 years ago.Many things were changed and the development of technology is the main reason for this change.It makes our life seem to be easier, faster and more effective.

However, gain and loss are twin in life. A lot of traditional cultures have almost lost when people only focus on new things and forget about traditional cultures

In Viet Nam, social life has changed rapidly since the day technology become a role play in life. People have more chance to interact with each other but it seems to be not real interaction. Hand-writing letters almost do not exist anymore, beside increasing of social media and online conversations. Some beautiful cultures were replaced by modern but stranger things.

In my opinion, this is not the technology development's fault, neither do traditional cultures. It's our fault, the way we face to this problem. Technology and traditional cultures are not incompatible, the actually can live and grow up together. We need to realize what need to change and what need to respect. Saving traditional cultures is not only for our benefit but also for our children and the generation beyond.

In fact, there are many great cultures were maintained and develop no matter what technology's affection. Such as family value in each Vietnamese's heart, filial love for parents and grandparents, a lot of traditional festivals still alive,...etc.

On the other hand, technology can also help to save traditional cultures by their wide range of connection. We definitely can use the internet as a tool to appeal to other's approval, publishing to people in domestic and international.

To sum up, technology and traditional cultures can exist and develop together or not, It depends on our point of view and the way we treat it

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,132 3269  
Feb 16, 2017   #2
Van, you have to post the original prompt instructions for this essay so that I can give you more direct advice regarding the improvements to your essay. For now, the main problem that I can see is that you have divided the discussion into mini paragraphs instead of fully developed paragraphs. The paragraph presentation you have shows too much under developed ideas. You can't just present half discussed ideas in an essay. Each paragraph needs at least 3 sentences presented before it can be considered an almost fully developed idea. A completely developed idea takes 5 sentences maximum for the English tests. There is also the question of the validity of the discussion you present. That is something that can be better assessed once you share the full, cut and paste requirements for the discussion to be presented in this essay. I hope you can post that soon. One last thing, in academic writing, you cannot use casual formats such as the use of ellipses and the word "etc." That is simply not academic writing. Refrain from doing that with your future practice tests.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 17, 2017   #3
Hello Van, welcome to Essay Forum. I am pleased to tell you that you have been a useful medium for improving your written skill. Actually, you can get more feedback about your writing. However, you missed the primary step in this website. When you upload your writing, you are supposed to include the question or prompts about your writing. Reviewers cannot comment fully because they don't what you wanna achieve.

Turning to your contents, you should paraphrase the given statement by using your own words. Its aim is to show a range of your vocabulary. In an IELTS test, this is renowned as the lexical resource. Following this, keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least three sentences. It relates to coherence and cohesion of your writing.

Apart from that, I suggest you should read and observe examples of academic writing or IELTS writing task 2 because you need understanding deeply about the good structure in writing an essay. We actually can simple this essay into 4 paragraphs. The first paragraph relates to the introduction of your essay. After that, the two next paragraph are known as body paragraphs to elucidate your view. A conclusion paragraph is presented in the last sentence.

Hopefully, my suggestions can be considered for improvement of your writing. GOOD LUCK
jaikrishna 5 / 8 1  
Feb 17, 2017   #4
our life is very different from this life that our parents ...

Hi Van, You should not repeat the complete question in your answer. Also, for every 2 lines a new paraphrase was written and leading to cohesion problems.

Also, for every essay make sure you have effective introduction, main content and conclusion and prompt should be appropriate to the question. Please go through the existing essays and learn from it.

Good Luck.

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