Lights and shadows of being a known person

xuancuong 1 / 1

Mar 17, 2017 #1

Question: Being a celebrity - such as famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Celebrities have no privacy

Essay:

Being widely acknowledged is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, everything has it positive and negative aspects. However, I'm standing a strong believe that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits of being a well-known personality. Herein, I'm supporting my stand presenting how fame can cause disruptions.

Being a celebrity is being considered equally to being riches which also mean more responsibilities. However, do not be effected, there is no easy money as celebrities are continuously loaded with contracts of endorsing, presentative shows, etc.. Consequently, having time for family and children is certainly decreased. Because of inherent disadvantages, sitting in the hall of fame doesn't seem as wonderful as it sounds.

Furthermore, it's debatable that celebrities will be targeted wherever they go or even in daily basic activities. Celebrities magazine's reporters are in every corner, hungering for a moment of star's carelessness or lacking of self-conscious actions. Imagining waking up see your name under a highlighted title for a miss-behavior is, unfortunately, certainly repressing. Thus, celebrities have to watch every single move they make, concerning their idolatry is vulnerable.

Despite numerous benefits of how celebrities gain, it is undeniable that your privacy is no longer belongs to you. Standing a high chance that scarifying some of your relations is most likely inevitable. I do strongly believe in a saying that "Do not judge a book by its cover", celebrities have to face a number of problems rather than enjoy the benefits it brings.

Holt Educational Consultant - / 15386

Mar 17, 2017 #2

Xuan, the highest score you can get or this essay is a 5 due to a number of missteps on your part. The first mistake that you made, was using the opening statement to address your opinion rather than building a proper introduction for the essay topic in the mind of the reader. The proper opening statement should have merely represented the topic for discussion, the 2 sides to be discussed, and an indication (not a statement) that your opinion will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

Your opinion must never be discussed as a part of the opening statement because that is always expected to be a properly developed prompt discussion within one of the paragraph bodies. This is normally discussed in the 4th paragraph, leading into the 5th paragraph or concluding statement. In addition to that, the conclusion is also wrong because you presented a new idea, that you did not accurately develop, as part of your closing statement. That is not allowed in academic writing. The last paragraph is meant for a summation of the discussion and nothing more.

There are also spelling errors in your essay that show a lack of English vocabulary skills. The word is not spelled miss-step but rather "misstep". If you see a red line under the word that you typed, that is a solid indicator that you have wrongly spelled the word. Since you are judge on vocabulary and spelling, you need to make sure that you avoid such mistakes.

Due to these problems, there is no way that your essay, though properly argued, can score higher than the 5 that I indicated above.

akbarmappiare 31 / 445

Mar 18, 2017 #3

Hello Xuan, I have read your essay. In my view, you need some improvements, especially the structure because you displayed your essay unsystematically.
Xuan, when you wanna start writing an essay, please you paraphrase the statement to get an attention of an examiner. You need to develop your introduction through paraphrasing. Then, you should mention briefly what benefits and drawbacks of that matter so that readers that obtain general view what you would explain in the body paragraph if you wanna get a high score. For your grammar, avoid using a contraction in a formal writing.

Turning to your body paragraph, you actually did not answer prompts given entirely. Its reason is because you tended to review about negative effects of being the celebrity although you have to explain both sides. As we know, you wanna argue that being the celebrity bring more the benefits, but you are supposed to include its drawbacks. Honestly, you cannot get score more than 5 because you did not deal with those task responses given.

Following that, you are supposed to write a conclusion. It is made from restating what you write in the thesis statement. Hopefully, you don't make a new explanation and the conclusion relates what you review in the body paragraph. Lastly, I think it is enough and better if you only write 4 paragraphs to present your essay.

I hope those can help you finalizing your essay and improve your skill

Maitouyen282 9 / 26

Mar 18, 2017 #4

@xuancuong
Hi I am learning ielts so i am really glad to help you in this essay. firstly, you should use more complex grammar instruction, for example, Not only..But also or while ..... by contrast or some words that connect your sentence such as on the other hand.

Secondly, your essay is lack of voccabuary , you should some new words by taking a note . For exple try to use well known, famous people, magaxine, photogengetic, private, public, those words are really helpful for your essay

Thirdly, you essay lacks of ideea that it should have your oppinion in it for example. being famous people is prolem because they do not have private life or can not have private relaxing day