Here is my introductory paragraph for a paper I'm working on about Abraham Lincoln:
"Throughout the history of the United States of America, many great men have directed her towards success. The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history, including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison. While these founding fathers were challenged with the task of establishing a country, another man would be challenged to preserve it. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder. With the secession of many southern states, the duty to preserve the Union befell unto Lincoln. During Lincoln's presidency he would find himself engaged in a Civil War, fighting a battle over the emancipation of southern slaves. His leadership and skills as president, along with his congenial personality, have found him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds."
I would really appreciate your comments and suggestions! Thank you!
"Throughout the history of the United States of America, many great men have directed her towards success. The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history, including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison. While these founding fathers were challenged with the task of establishing a country, another man would be challenged to preserve it. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder. With the secession of many southern states, the duty to preserve the Union befell unto Lincoln. During Lincoln's presidency he would find himself engaged in a Civil War and fighting a battle over the emancipation of southern slaves. His leadership and skills as president, along with his congenial personality, have found him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds."
I italicized the sentence above because I think a colon would work better but I am not sure to put after or before "including". My tendency would be to put it after but I am not sure.
Besides that I didn't find anything else wrong with your intro. Nice intro btw!
The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison.
Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder.
Wow, thanks you guys! I honestly didn't think that this was a very good intro, and I thought that there would be many more suggestions. Seeing far fewer than I expected, along with your positive comments, make me feel much more confident now about this intro, and about my writing as a whole!
Thanks again! I really appreciate it!
good start
Hi, the best advice i can give you is to focus on using more active words instead of has, had, were etc. those are considerd lazy words.- Also you should go back and highlight all the "the's" and "is" and try to replace them with more active adjectives, or not use them at all it will make your intro stronger. I know it can be difficult to write about the past with out these certain words, but you should try. College Addimissions like that =)
good luck
---Sorry i thought this was a college essay, but still consider the changes. This is how college professors like their papers ( I have a tutor that goes to Rice Uni.)
that is a pretty good introductory paragraph..really gets the reader involved.
Good advice about the "have's" and "has's." However, don't forget that "have" is a vital part of the perfect tenses, which are difficult to avoid when describing historical events and people.
The content of your introduction is impressive
Need help with Abraham Lincoln leadership
Abraham Lincoln is a great leader and I need your help about that. Thanks
"Leadership behavior,Motivate People, Make Decisions, Mentor People, Manage Group Process"
Does he have all these personal characteristics , and what is it ?
Once again, thanks all
Yes, he has those leadership qualities.
