IELTS Writing task 1- Line gragh shows the percentage of women employed in four country

The following is my writing for task 1. Thanks in advance for your comment and advice.

write a report describing the information

This chart shows the percentage of women employed in four countries over an interval of twenty years. Information is shown for the USA, Korea, Afghanistan, and France from 1985 to 2005.

As can be seen from the chart, the rate of employed women in the USA went up steadily from 1985 to 2000. There was a slight decrease in the last five years. In Korea, there was a steady twenty-year increase with no fall in the percentage of women employed. For ten years from 1985 to 1995, Afghanistan's percentage of employed women rose slowly. However, there was a sharp drop of 30% between 1995 and 2000. This went down further in 2005. France's rate of employed women fell by 10% in the first five years of the period. The rate then increased continuously until 2005.

In conclusion, all countries had a higher percentage of employed women in 2005 than in 1985 except for Afghanistan. Out of four countries, the USA and France were the countries where the majority of women were employed in 2005

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I think that overall, this essay is pretty solid, however there's a few things i would like to add. I think there's too many "there was", so please consider paraphrasing it. Also, a major problem in your essay is that there's almost no comparison, you need to make more comparison between the countries, for example, between Afghanistan and France, how steadily grew while the other plummeted. It would also do your essay good to put in more transitional words, for ex: Furthermore, Despite of, Nevertheless .....

There is no comparison statement in the presentation of your summary. That should be included in the presentation. An upward and downward trend should be easily identified for the reader to consider. Additionally, this is a line graph, not a simple chart. Always use the correct image description for your presentation. Familiarize yourself with the various images used in the Task 1 presentations.

The Task 1 report dies not require a conclusion therefore one should not be present in your essay. The 3-5 sentence format is required for all 3 paragraphs. So you should have further expanded on your summary overview and last paragraph presentation. You should have 190 words presented in total. Use a more expanded vocabulary. Rather than saying "10 years", indicate "a decade" which is the advanced vocabulary form of 10 years.

Never say "as can be seen" because the idea behind this report is to present a verbal picture of the graph. The reader is assumed to not have a copy of the image. Therefore, you cannot say "As can be seen". Rather, you can use a description based on how you saw the chart.