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IELTS Writing Task 1: Percentage of employment - adults employed in seven sectors


nimbus2k2 8 / 25 6  
Jun 11, 2019   #1
PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION EMPLOYED IN DIFFERENT CATEGORIES

Topic:
The chart shows the percentage of the adult population employed in different categories in 2003 and 2013

My essay:
The bar chart compares the proportion of adults employed in seven sectors: engineering, medical, self-employed, business, hospitality, education and unemployed in 2003 and 2013.
Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures of the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite trend.
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, the figure of the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.

On the contrary, the population proportion of business in 2003 was highest of all (30 percent) and this reduced to the same as the medical sector. The figures of hospitality and education dropped by 2 and 7 percent respectively, whereas the rate of the unemployed category decreased to reach 3 percent in 2013.




Maria [Contributor] - / 1,046 373  
Jun 12, 2019   #2
@nimbus2k2
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you gather valuable insights from here.

I think that the structure and composition of your essay is quite excellent and put-together. My primary suggestion would be that you should attempt to omit unnecessary and repetitive words to create a more dynamic composition. For instance, there's no need for you to repeatedly mention that these are regarding the figure, considering that it's the primary object of your analysis.

Hence, a revision like this can be accommodated:

Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures of for the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite trend.
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, the figure of the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.

In the succeeding sentence, I suggest that you try to optimize it as well through evading the usage of words/phrases that do not precisely contribute. When you make an observation, it would be unnecessary for you to explicit mention the figures.

Look at this revision:

... was highest of all (30 percent) and ... sector., making it equal to that of the medical sector.

Best of luck in your writing!
JoeLollo 1 / 3  
Jun 12, 2019   #3
Hello!

Although your structure is good, I would suggest taking optimizing imprecise words/phrases, as @Maria said. Another way that could work includes replacing "figures" when it's used throughout with other similar words like "percentages".

Hope it went well!


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