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Line graph task 1: The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

THUHIEN183 1 / 1  
May 3, 2020   #1

Population growth

Task 1: The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

The line graph illustrates the proportion New Zealand population growth based on four different age groups between 1950 and 2050.

Overall, it is clear that the percentage of people from 15-34 years old is by far the highest over the period shown. The proportion of elderly people over 65 is lowest by 2030 and predicted to rise until 2050.

In 1950, over 30% of New Zealand citizens fell into 15-34 group, followed by 28% of that was 0-to 14-years-olds. By contrast, only 15% of New Zealand population belonged to 35-to 64-years-old group, and the smallest figure - 10% of the population growth was seen in the group of the senior over 65.

From 2030 to 2050, the percentage of New Zealand citizens aged from 15-34 and 0-14 are expected to go down to 29% and 10% respectively in 2050. While the proportion of 35-64 year old people will continue to rise significantly and peak at about 34% , and the percentage of the elderly over 65 is predicted to increase gradually to around 15% in the year 2050.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,830 4781  
May 3, 2020   #2
Your paragraph presentation needs work. You have a tendency to write confusing sentences. That is because you are focused on delivering long sentences in every paragraph, rather than properly developed complex sentences. You have made the common mistake of writing long sentences to represent complex sentences. That is not the case. These long sentences that you have written normally combines 2 thoughts into one sentence. That is why the sentence, though rife with data, does not properly translate to most readers. You need to divide the sentences into topics as well. It will never hurt your essay presentation to have you format your paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each. That is the recommended sentence number per paragraph because the writer will be able to divide the thought presentation per paragraph clearly, using that sentence number.

Do not misunderstand me. Your presentation of data is complete. It is the format that is holding back your essay from achieving a coherent presentation. Even if you present the data in relevant form in the essay, if you do not properly format the sentences, the presentation format will cause stress for the examiner as he reads the essay, which will cause him to score down your work.
OP THUHIEN183 1 / 1  
May 3, 2020   #3
Thank you so much for your advice, what bandscore do you think my essay will achieve?

Home / Writing Feedback / Line graph task 1: The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.
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