Loan for a music club [GRE Argument] I am new to GRE and need help on AWA writing

Please give any comment and error checking for my writing, thanks a lot

The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz

musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

investment plan on jazz club in Monroe

The developers claimed that a jazz club in Monroe would be a profitable enterprise. However, the evidence of the claim is not sufficient.

The author mentioned that the nearest club is 65 miles away from Monroe. And if one jazz club is proposed in Monroe, it will have all the local market. However, the author did not provide evidence that people in Monroe will change their habits to go to a new club. If a person in Monroe likes to go to a jazz club outside Monroe, he might get used to drive his car, and enjoy services provided by it. Also, a person might get together with his friends who live outside Monroe. The author should provide evidence to why people who live in Monroe go to a jazz club and who they go with.

An annual jazz festival is also be mentioned. Over 100,000 people attended last summer. Yet so many people come here for the festival last summer. It does not mean that the phenomenon will last for a long time. In a prediction, we all know that we should have sufficient amount of statistics to have a more precise prediction. However, the developers use the number of people who attend the annual festival for only last summer. The developers should provide more data in the past few years in order to know that whether the number of people attended was still high or was in an increasing trend to make the claim more strengthen the argument.

Moreover, a worldwide study shows that a typical fan will spend around 1000 dollars per year on jazz. The surveyed areas of the study should also be indicated as an evidence to know. If the study only surveys in those areas where jazz music is popular, it does not imply that people in Monroe are in the same situation. Even if the study is true. How does the expenditure be calculated? If the number is calculated using an average number of the expenditure of each fan, then the expenditure distribution of people in Monroe will be important. If most of the people in Monroe are likely to spend above the average, the club will be profitable. In contrast, if the expenditure of people in Monroe is far below average, the outcome of the study will not be a good resource to include as a reason.

In order to evaluate the argument, evidence mentioned above is needed.

Hi, I think you are on the right track, but you might have ignored a view possible avenues of discussion. In talking about the distant club, no evidence is presented that any Monroe residents actually go to this club. This is something you have mistakenly assumed. Instead, it would be good to know the number of Monroe residents, if any, who make the trip. Secondly, you don't discuss the fact that several jazz musicians live in Monroe. You could say how that is not necessarily relevant, since these musicians might prefer to see other types of music when they are not working and may be on tour for long periods of the year. You also ignored the radio program information. One point might be that if all the jazz fans in town listen to this program at 7PM every weeknight, they may not want to go to a possible jazz club because that would mean they would have to miss their radio show. As for the jazz festival, I would be interested to know how many of the 100,000 attendees actually live in Monroe. If the vast majority of festival attendees are from out of town, then the big turnout may have no bearing on the possible success of a jazz club. Finally, I would be interested in a more specific breakdown of the average of $1000 spent by jazz fans. Perhaps most of this money is spent on albums or cds, or in travel to distant jazz festivals. The only pertinent information would be the amount spent going to jazz clubs, but this information is not given. In addition, as you allude to, the only valuable information such a survey could provide is of the buying habits of the local populace. Hopefully this is helpful, Here are some grammar changes I would suggest.

the evidence [supporting] the claim is not sufficient.

Monroe, he might [be] used to [driving] his car,

provide evidence [as] to why

An annual jazz festival is also be mentioned.

Yet [although] so many people [came]here for the festival last summer[, it] does not mean

in order to know that whether the number of people

to make the claim more strengthen the argument.

Moreover, a worldwide {it said "nationwide", not worldwide} study shows

should also be indicated as an evidence to know.

How [was] the expenditure be calculated?

@TJLuschen

Thanks a lot for your advises.

I am a novice at GRE AWA and hope to find someone could help. I really appreciated for your feedback. And hope I could continuously get your advises when I have posted some writing practices.

Thanks!