Ielts General Writing Task 1: Making a complain on not charging phone cable

the i-phone cable doesn't work

Dear Sir,

My name is Harry who was one of the customers coming your Myer store in Chatswood in two weeks before. I bought the i-phone cable charge but it doesn't work when I come back home and use it.

Today I want to write this letter to you to describe the issue of your product. There is not any sign of the power charging on my phone when I put the cable charger to my phone and I think it does not work although I try to put it in and out many times. Therefore, I wonder that you can exchange another cable charger which was tested to work well or you can refund for me as an additional plan.

I hope you can help me to address this unexpected situation in the case that I am a regular client of your shop. Thanks for your help and I hope your business will develop more and more in the future!

Your faithfully,
Harry

Please remember to upload the instructions for the letter writing task. I am unable to review your essay from prompt responsiveness without it. Just the same, I will try to review the letter as you uploaded it.

When writing a letter to a company, give your complete name, the model of the phone, and include a reference to the procedure that you did which led to the discovery that the phone you bought was defective. Your second paragraph is confusing to read. It is improperly structured and does not allow the reader to get a clear idea as to what it is you are trying to say and what action you want the company to take in regards to your complaint.

You have to work on the clarity of the letter. You have to do more sentence formation exercises and spend more time on simply writing in English rather than using the Task 1 or 2 prompts immediately. You first need to learn to write in English sentences before you can move on to writing English essays.

@Holt
Hi, thank you very much for your feedback which is so useful to improve my writing.
I would like to update the requirement from task 1:
You have recently bought a piece of electronics which does not work well. Write a letter to the manager of the shop and describe the problem.

In your letter, include what you have done about it and suggest what action you'd like them to take.

P/S: I will follow your advice starting from forming a good sentence before writing an essay!

Thanks again for your help!