"managing a salon full of 10 employees" - Negative Experience CBEST writing

Hi,
My CBEST exam result stated I need to work on my usage and structure and conventions. I am pretty bad with grammar since English is my second language. Please read my essay and give me your opinion. Anything will help. thank you.

Describe a negative experience and how that has impact your life.

When circumstances don't turn out the way one's has hoped; it makes them feel disappointed. When one's doesn't succeed; it makes them feel like a failure. These "negative experiences" are discouraging, but I think there are many valuable lessons to be learned. A particular negative experience has taught me valuable leadership skills and changed how I view a particular situation from all different perspectives.

At the age of 20, I had to manage a salon full of 10 employees. My aunt retired and she wanted me to "manage" it for her. I really did not know what she was thinking: inexperienced, immature, and naïve, I should be the last person she wanted as a manager. Mary was an employee there for 2 years. She was close to my age, so we were close and hung out often. One day, after realizing there was something wrong with the financial records, I discussed it with Mary. Manipulative and persuasive, Mary had convinced me that it was Tracy, one of the employees, had stolen the money. Without looking into the situation from every angle and reflecting on legible evidences, I chose to trust Mary's words and fired Tracy. Many employees were offended by my action, and the fact that I did not deliberately look into the situation before firing Tracy. One-third of the employees eventually left, and business gradually decreases.

This experience has taught me the elements of being an effective leader. Giving someone too much trust can be a disadvantage and always maintain a profession relationship with your employees; therefore, boundaries and limitations are definitely crucial in leadership. Because of the close relationship I had with Mary, she was able to take advantage of me. Instead of favoritism, I should have treated everyone the same. Most importantly, I should have thoroughly investigated the incident, listened to both sides of the story, and rationalized the situation.

Ashamed and humiliated, this was a learning experience I will never forget. "The harder the rock hit you, the better you will remember it," my aunt said. Not only the incident has taught me the power of leadership skills, but also effective leadership means respecting and establishing good interpersonal relationship with your all employees or co-workers.

You should write with first person only because is your personal essay. Don't generalize. Try to fix the first paragraph and delete words like them feel like failure. You should write "I anticipated instead of "one's hoped"

In the second paragraph you should talk about Mary only. 'Such as Mary was an employee at the salon for 2 years. Mary and I were close....

The last paragraph looks fine.

check this revised essay.

Describe a negative experience and how that has impacted your life.

When circumstances don't turn out the way I anticipated; it makes me a sense of disappointment. When I don't succeed; it makes me feel like a failure. These "negative experiences" are discouraging, but I think there are many valuable lessons to be learned. A particular negative experience has taught me valuable leadership skills and changed how I view a particular situation.

Mary was an employee at the salon for 2 years. Mary and I were close in age and we hung out together, apparently something was wrong with my financial records (missing money). I was compelled to discuss this matter with Mary. Mary had informed me of another salon employee named Tracy who was the culprit involved with the missing money. Without questioning or investigating Tracy I was convinced and persuaded by Mary that Tracy was the person responsible and without a doubt I fired Tracy.

Due to the fact that I didn't properly address the issue and it was later discovered that Mary in fact was the thief. Many employees were upset and offended, consequently leaving the company and therefore business decreased.

Ashamed and humiliated, I took this as a learning experience I will never forget. "The harder the rock hit you, the better you will remember it," my aunt said. Not only has the incident has taught me the power of leadership skills, but also effective leadership. Respecting and establishing good interpersonal relationship with your all employees or co-workers.

wow! This does make the essay sounds better. thank you.