Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones.

Hi Every one, I need to check my essay grammatically. Thank you for your attention in advance
Topic ::
A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As many economic grew, most of environments has been destroyed. Deciding between supporting arts or to protecting environment is difficult, but in my viewpoint, spending money to grow up arts is a requirement, but without a safe environment, supporting the art is meaningless. We need a safe environment to survive; we need to provide a health environment for future descendants.

In the late 20th century, our wrong activities have ruined the environments. Due to these incorrect manners, many jungles and forests have been burned and majority of living things has been extinct. As a matter of the fact, we clearly try to kill ourselves by our hands. Thereby companies should be aware of the futures hardship and try to change their behavior. They must spend money, to provide a protected ecosystem; to prevent extinction of species; to restore forests and natural ecosystem. They have to spend money to rebuild the destroyed environment. In fact, this is a vital part of our responsibility to the next generation.

Pollution is one of problems of our planet, which has damaged to the environment. Many factories have produced air pollution or water pollution and so forth. They have to be responsible about these destruction and contamination. They must spend budget for researches to improve their machines to produce less pollution.

In conclusion, although many companies spend money to survive ecosystem, but it should be mandatory for every company to devote a financial plan to substitute their old equipment with new ones.

As many economiceconomies grew, most of environmentsthey also destroyed the environmenthas been destroyed .


Well, I feel you are not introducing the topic adequately. This is what I suggest;
Art is an important aspect of our lives and so does our environment. A company which is ready to spend money on either supporting art forms or protecting environment, needs to select one of the two choices. In my view, although spending money on supporting towards the development of art is a requirement, without a healthy environment it would be a meaningless effort.

Well, I feel you are not introducing the topic adequately. This is what I suggest;
Art is an important aspect of our lives and so does our environment. A company which is ready to spend money on either supporting art forms or protecting environment, needs to select one of the two choices. In my view, although spending money on supporting towards the development of art is a requirement, without a healthy environment it would be a meaningless effort.

reply / quote
Thank you Dear dumi :)
thank you for spending time to correct my essay specially introduction
Could you help me how to build statement like you ? I think it takes time? yes ??? please give me some advice

Well, pay more attention to what your prompt has asked and understand the issue. Then the best way to begin is by paraphrasing the question posed by the prompt if you do not get a very bright catchy idea at once to open your essay. For example;


.... you can consider something like this for a hook, but it is not really necessary. :)


... I did this by paraphrasing the prompt. It is the easiest way to open your essay.
Then you state your view on the issue
All that makes up your introduction :)

In the late 20th century, our wrong activities have ruined the environmentsDue to these incorrect manners(I prefer this sentence:Some company actions have impacted environmental change. By this , many jungles and forests have been burned and majority of living thingscreatureshashave been extinct. (As a matter of the fact, we clearly try to kill ourselves by our hands (this is not the part of the idea. You'd better omit it, or you are off topic) . Measures should be taken to tackle this:Thereby companies should be aware of the futures hardship and try to change their behavior. They must spend money, (no comma) to provide a protected ecosystem; to prevent extinction of species; and to restore forests and natural ecosystem as their environmental responsibility for future generation . They have to spend money to rebuild the destroyed environment (it seems to me that you have said this statement. You'd better omit as to prevent verbose content) . In fact, this is a vital part of our responsibility to the next generation.

Granted, pollution is one of problems of our planet, which has damaged todamaging the natural environment. Results show many factories have produced air pollution or water pollution and so forth (This can be categorized as lazy language, which seems that you don't want to finish your idea. Better omit) . As a result, they have to be responsible aboutforthesethe environmental destruction and contamination. One possible solution is to They mustallocate amount of money to adopt eco-friendly machinespend budget for researches to improve their machines to produce less pollution .