IELTS 2-Many museums and historical sites are more attractive to foreigners than people living there

Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people.

Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places?

-------My work-----

It is true that many museums and historical sites are more attractive to foreigners than people living at there. This essay looks at some justifications and suggests some solutions to the problem.

One of the main reasons why people are keen on travelling to strange places is to expand the knowledge of history of local areas. The historic values are crystallized in tangible objects which are displayed in museums and historical places. Therefore, visiting museums is a necessary action tourists have to take if they care about history. By contrast, local citizens assumed that they were familiar with things showed at historical places through either the historic lessons in schools or somewhere in daily conversations. Moreover, the low qualification of some historical sites in some countries is also a cause assisting in decrease in the number of domestic visitors. As a result, local citizens are not interested in spending time on journeys to museums in their areas.

However, there are solutions for this problem. Firstly, marketing is an effective way to attract many domestic tourists. In fact that the knowledge of what happened to their forefathers is unlimited and there are still many historic events that next generations having not yet known. Advertising helps them to grasp those lacks. Secondly, governments should invest much more budget in improvement quality of historic places such as training for museum staffs about knowledge of history and how to convey or present it to visitors. As a result, there would be more and more local people reckon that the local museums and historical sites are also as interesting as those of foreign.

In conclusion, the lack of interest of domestic people in historic sites should be concerned considerably. The best approaches to deal with are the advertisement and the financial aid for the local sites.

@ella_lyly
1. In 2nd paragraph you have mentioned weak reasons for local people. From "By contrast" you have written in past tense, it should be in present tense.

2. Work on vocabulary and write clear arguments.

@Qadir shah Thank you for your valuable suggestions, however, you can explain more about:
1. 'In 2nd paragraph you have mentioned weak reasons for local people', you mean I should not mention to the reasons why foreigners like to local museums.

2.'Work on vocabulary and write clear arguments' you can explain more.

- I think your first body is quite unbalanced, Only 1 reason for tourists but 2 for locals. By the way, the second reason (low qualification) fairly oppose to your reason for tourists.

- Some word problems:
"invest much more budget in improvement " --> improving
"reckon"--informal, shouldn't use in writing --> use "believe" or "consider".

@thanhtrung97
Wow, that's exactly what I am considering after reviewing the essay
Maybe I will merge reasons for tourists and the locals. I also change the reason 'low qualification' to a more reasonable one
Thank for the feedback on word issues. By the way, I think that after 'IN" is either V-ing or Noun, so why should I use improving instead of improvement

if you use "improvement", then It must be "in an improvement of quality".

@ella_lyly
<the low qualification of some historical sites> This one should be "quality"
<journeys to museums in their areas> We use "journey" for long distance. This one should be "trips"
<that next generations having not yet known> having --> have
<there would be more and more local people reckon> reckon --> reckoning

Do not change the content of the original prompt. Since you are not being asked about the validity of the given statement, there is no need for you to attest to the veracity of the claim. Simple restating the topic and offering one reason, with one solution will suffice for a simple cause and solution essay discussion. You were not on target with your prompt restatement and discussion responses. You also failed to use alternate words for the key words museum and historical sites. Therefore you will not have a very good TA and LR score.

There was no need to explain why tourists visit the historical sites. You unnecessarily discussed a non-essential discussion point. The only important discussion in the first reasoning paragraph is the singular reason why the local tourists do not go to the museums and historical site. When you did explain why the locals do not go to the tourist sites, you did not completely develop the discussion due to the irrelevant inclusion of the foreign tourist discussion. This paragraph becomes under developed and lacking in focus on the actual topic.

You did good enough in the solutions paragraph, but could have better explained things if you focused on a singular solution, with proper possible results included for a single effective result. You were not able to convince the reader very well because of the lack of justification for each solution you presented.

I think you will get the TA score quite low, because you change the question. Topic sentence of body 1 should like One of the main reasons why museums and historical sites attract tourist more than local people is because ..... Not "strange place'

I think you should check your essay carefully before you post it because there are a few words that you have typed wrongly.
Anyway, it is great that you have a wide range of vocabulary and grammar in your work.

@Holt
Thank you for your comment!!!