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Why do we need music? 'effect on the infants'


HelpmepassIELTS 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2013   #1
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the
International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Like art and literature ,music has been evolving throughout the last years. So these days , music can be categorized into many genres. For example ,rock ,jazz ,pop,country and so forth. And this diversity in musical tones ,tempos,beats and pace is a fortune for all of us ,the audience. Because music appeal to us differently. And everyone has his unique and individualized taste. Nevertheless ,music is more than a mere mean of entertainment. It has numerous psychological and physiological benefits for the listeners.

Firstly , numerous of european universities conducted studies on the effect of music on the infants. These studies showed enhanced brain functions growth and enriched the infants communications skills. Other studies indicated improvements in the youngsters hearing abilities and speech interpretation. So evidentially ,music has a plethora of benefits for the kids.

Secondly ,music has shown to have myriad of benefits for adults. Studies confirmed that tranquility and serenity are consequences of slow music. It is no surprise that restaurants and hotel lobbies play such music for the visitors. Other researches took a further step ,by attempting to utilize music as a remedy for some mental ailments.

Another important subject is traditional local music versus international music. On the one hand some fans of local music demand that we should make efforts to preserve the musical identity of their country ,and that international music should not be a substitute to the traditional inherited music. On the other hand ,fans of international music claim that traditional music is outdated and old fashioned . And that American nd European music are much more modern and enjoyable. In my humble opinion ,music is like an international language.Music should not be segregated into local and foreigner ,or by its location ,race or gender.

Plank 2 / 4  
Nov 26, 2013   #2
Hello,
First, I have a question about this essay. Is this a second task of IELTS writing or something?

If yes, the structure of your essay is unclear. To be more precise, when I read your essay, I couldn't realise the basic function of each paragraph, especially the second and third paragraph.
OP HelpmepassIELTS 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2013   #3
Yes it is an IELTS task. And tips on how to make it more coherent ?
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 26, 2013   #4
What is the purpose of this writing? Preparing for IELTS? I guess so with your user id :D

Like art and literature ,music has been evolvingthroughout the last years.

Music has been ever evolving from the birth of the mankind ...

Firstly , numerous of european universities conducted studies on the effect of music on the infants. These studies showed enhanced brain functions growth and enriched the infants communications skills.

Well .... You should first tell the reason and then support it with an example. Here you've done the reverse.
It seems you can write well. Good Luck!
nanosuit 4 / 8 1  
Dec 22, 2013   #5
'These days ' seems more relevant tho there's nothing wrong with 'nowadays'

us;the audience replace comma with semicolon

'the' before infants seems redundant .Replace the first line of the third paragraph with "Firstly, numerous European universities have conducted studies on the effect of music on infants. These studies have showed enhanced growth and development in brain functions and consequently, enriched the infants' communication skills"

Another important subject is traditional local music versus international music.

Replace the above line with:

Another important subject is the argument between traditional local music and international music. On one hand, fans of local music demand that we make efforts to preserve the musical identity of their country ,and that international music should not be a substitute to the traditional inherited music. On the other hand, fans of international music claim that traditional music is outdated and old-fashioned . And that American and European music are much more modern and enjoyable. In my humble opinion ,music is like an international language.Music should not be segregated into local and foreign ,or by location, race and gender.

You're doing good :)
ebychris 3 / 6  
Dec 22, 2013   #6
hey,
Dumi & his group are doing a great job here.they'r trying so hard to see we improve on our essay writing,i ve not gotten any pass mark from him but i am working hard to see if i can do something that will impress them. gud luck to u and follow their direction.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 23, 2013   #7
Hey.... I am not he, but she :D .... and I don't think I am good at marking the essays posted here either, although I have attempted to give a score for about couple of times here...lol .... Well, we generally provide guidance, especially with regard to structuring the essay for particular tasks and our advice is based on our own experiences. We vision is to help others get the best possible scores at their exams. :)
okaert 4 / 10 2  
Dec 23, 2013   #8
you said that which music was more important.This sentence can be true but you have to say that which type of music is more important for WHO? For you,for country, for public???Also when you write your essay, you should be carefull with the length of the paragraphes.For example, your essay's first paragraph should not be farther than rest of the essay's paragraphes except last paragraph.


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