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Narrative writing on "we all had different ideas about the parcel"

aleen 1 / 2  
Jun 10, 2012   #1
Please help me with this essay. My teacher says that the idea is vague and the plot is weak.Please give suggestions and how it can be improved.

Write a story which includes the following words: "we all had different ideas about what to do with the parcel."

It was a stormy evening.Raining like cats and dogs.I was sitting beside the window and looking at the water droplets, that were running at different paces.I was truly driven by the dramatic world outside.The flowers and leaves were being washed,giving a sparkling look.The birds had settled in their nests and were as calm as sea.The leaves whispered in the breeze.I opened the window to feel the aroma of soft wet earth after such a long time.The cold water spurted at my face.

One unusual thing,that I noticed was the flickering of the torch in one of the rooms in the neighborhood.At first I thought it was very unusual thing but then I thought that maybe there was something wrong with the light.After five minutes,I heard a scream from the same house.It was strange because the old woman who lived there was a brave person.I was sure that there was something wrong in the neighborhood.I told my father who held the newspaper sedulously in front of his face but maybe he was so deeply involved in the gossips of politicians, that he did not pay much attention to my words and warned me not to get out of the house.

After two hours my attention was diverted by the door bell.I was indeed surprised that who it could be.I opened the door but there was no one.I was about to shut it when, when I saw a parcel on the door mat.I picked it up but the single word written on it made me horrified "beware". I was completely at sea but how could one possibly think of a prank like this in such a harsh weather.I scampered upstairs to tell everyone about the strange parcel.I was very eager to open it without even caring about the consequences but my parents were not in favor of it.We all had different ideas about what to do with the parcel.I saw my father, who kept the parcel in the cupboard and strictly told me not to touch it.After that he went to his room.I could not help myself.I opened the parcel from the top. I peeped inside and a scarf covered with blood made me scream.My parents and sister came running inside the lounge. My father was very furious when he saw the open parcel but when all of them peeped inside, they were shocked.My father decided to report to the nearest police station. He came back after two hours and said that the matter will be investigated soon.

The next day,I heard the news that the old woman in the neighborhood was murdered. I could not believe my ears.The scream which I had heard last night was coming from her house.I felt sorry and thought that maybe, I could have saved her.That evening my father was called to the police station and was told that the scarf that we received belonged to the same lady who was murdered, next door.I had visited her many times but I had never thought of her being murdered one day.She was a humble and a nice lady.One question that kept striking my mind was that why had the murder left the parcel at our doorstep but this question still remains unanswered.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jun 11, 2012   #2
I have to tell you, this first paragraph is BEAUTIFUL and is exactly the type to draw the reader in immediately. Excellent.
After two hours my attention was diverted by the door bell.I was indeed surprised thatintrigued as to who it could be.
Well, it is a strange story indeed but I would not say "weak". I think something that might tie it all together nicely would be to add "To be continued" at the end, to add a little more depth and suspense! The only other thing to remember is to make sure you leave a space after periods in between sentences. Good job and good luck!!
OP aleen 1 / 2  
Jun 12, 2012   #3
Thank you. I will definitly work on it.

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