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ISO ideas writing "WHO AM I?" for NFL Pitch Brochure

PMG_SportsBiz 1 / -  
Sep 30, 2023   #1
NFL Draft Prospects brochure

I need some guidance on concise writing for brochure I'm writing to pitch to 2024 NFL Draft Prospects with a brochure. My problem is how/what to include from 25-years of experience into approximately 200-words for the one panel to display "Who Am I?" Since this is a cold-call presentation. What's important IMO is: 1) my experience is new for the position, but not in sports (former speed coach...now =1st-yr sports agent); 2) ability to do the job at hand; 3) my family is my why I'm doing this job; and 4) why pick me over other experienced agents (the fact that we all passed the same NFLPA Bar Exam means we all have the same credentials to actually do the job).

Oh and BTW, I have 24-hours to get this done (it's Saturday morning at 6am)... I have to submit this to the printer Sunday by noon for that grace to have this printed Monday morning for a mailing to the 2024 Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects. My goal is to sign five, including one first round pick. All this with limited to zero additional funds.

Guidance needed on concise writing, since I am halfway down the panel already. Below is a sample of what I have thus far:

You are special! My client language is words of affirmation. I began in this Sports Business as an intern at a sports agency in my hometown of Chicago atop the Sears Tower (now called Willis Tower) as Director of Client Development. The best aspect was working individually helping clients achieve success off the field as much as they accomplished on the field.

I owned an 85k square foot sports performance training facility outside Philadelphia for pro, college, and high school athletes that sold in 2011 and is now a huge movie studio. I've been fortunate to do double duty for pro athletes in speed training, negotiating contracts, and assisting in marketing endorsements. Working with pro athletes and small business owners has been rewarding because it's an intimate connection to be the direct assistance in helping with anything necessary to achieve success.

My why... is for my two sons,
Justin and Maine Jr. living in the Philadelphia-area.

  • Brochure draft of insidepanel

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691  
Oct 3, 2023   #2
It's good but needs to better focus on your drafting skills. The how is just as important as the why. Why should you be hired as a sports agent? That reason is not convincing at the moment. Words of affirmation work but, there is no evidence of that in this presentation. We are talking Jerry McGuire here so you should try to display a successful recruitment strategy in the brochure. While your 2 kids may be your driving factor, that is not well explained in the brochure. You are going for dramatics but lacking in substance. Reverse it, use substance over dramatics. The current opening should come as 2nd if you ask me. Work on selling yourself as a passionate agent first, then the natural recruitment talent should follow.

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