Whether it's necessary that children should learn to manage their money at young age

children's financial responsibility

Topic:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Here is my answer:
With the development of society, more and more people come to the idea that children should learn to manage their own money at young age.While,in my point of view,it's of little use for children to manage their money when they are young.

For one thing,when they are young,they don't have enough knowledge about finance, they even have no idea whether it's correct to use their money in some ways.So,it's of great significance for parents to help children manage their money when they are young.

If the parents help children to manage their money,they have the ability to use the money to buy several financial products,which will produce more money as a result.

For another,if the children get the permission to manage money by themselves,they may develope a bad habit like using money arbitrarily,using the money to buy toys or other things they despire of,because they have no experience on making money,so they are unable to know how difficult and hard to make money.

However,in order to develope children's financial responsibilities, there are some tips.
First of all,parents can set several activities,through which children can earn a little money.During these activities,children will experience the hardness of making money,so they won't use money optionally.As for the money they earn by themselves,parents could set an account for them to store those money.

The question is DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE not PROBLEMS AND SOLUTION so I think you shouldn't have given tips. Instead, you need summary the main idea of the essay in the conclusion.

Also, in supporting paragraphs you had better give specific examples to prove your thesis statements.

@yuanyinan
Are you working with a specific word count? If you are, then I suggest that you try to manage better your usage of words through removing unnecessary articles and synonymous terms to pave way for a more in-depth discussion. If you are not, I suggest being more specific with the content that you have.

You should try to evade words that are quite informal. For instance, in your first sentence, you mentioned that more and more people come to the idea whereas you should have phrased it as:

Society's development has caused an increase in the amount of people who believe that children should manage their finances earlier.
Aside from changing those three words, I had as well used more formal language and tone in my composition ("managing their finances earlier") to indicate a more structured format. Doing this can elevate the overall strength of your writing.

I suggest that you also try to move around your paragraphs to create an inductive pattern for your reasoning. Your tips on how to develop children's financial management capabilities should be placed at least before you discuss why insufficient knowledge can lead to negative consequences. If you do this, your essay will have a more flared out effect to it.

Try to play around with the structure and formatting. Make sure that you maintain a serious tone throughout your essay - and you will be alright.