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TOEFL ESSAY: New devices vs well-adopted devices - which do you prefer?


akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 11, 2015   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Some prefer buy new technological devices; others having them when they are well-adopted. wWhich do you prefer?

We may encounter many new high-tech devices every year thanks to the rapid development of modern society. Certainly, these high-tech devices bring astonishing influence in our life and obvious difference in our mind. Some prefer to hold the new high-tech immediately, however, others are more prone to have them when they are well-developed. Personally, i agree with the latter group as the well-adopted technological with ripe development may benefit our life more than when it first face to.

To start with, well-adopted high-tech devices are developed and be fixed many bugs over spans of time than they first appear. Many users' useful advices help engineers to improve the usage of them, making them being more convenient for customers. For instance, when ipone first came out, it hasn't the function of Siri, one of the most significiant inovations in 21st century. While, nowadays, we can easily find that people use Siri to make a phone call or search on the internet. Thus, due to the well-adopted technology, we share the magic of hi-technology.

In addition, well-adopted technological devices are more popular among the range of the old to the young, letting us enjoy the convenience of the hi-technology. In the past, only a few people own computers and knew how to use them. It was difficult for teenagers to write a eamil to our friends because of lack of them. In contrast, nowadays, even my old grandmother can use computer to write a email to me. I'm surprised and grateful that the well-adopted technological equipment strengthens our relationship and benefits our life.

Admittedly, the new technological devices will be more accepted by the young for its fresh innovation. In fact, the price of them are too luxury for most white-collars and students to afford. For instance, the price of digital camera was beyond ten thousand yuan in my hometown when it fist came out. The price of them now, while, drops to two to three thousand yuan or even lower. The decrease of the price promotes that the acceptation of the new high-tech equipment. The fact that many tourists visiting Shanghai take a lot of pictures and show to their friends stronly approves it.

To sum up, it is the new technological devices that enrich our lives, whether they are fresh or well-adopted. The most important thing for us is that we should make full use of these equipment and raise our efficiency of our study and work.

Many thanks for your kind advice on contents or grammar in advance!

irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Nov 11, 2015   #2
Hello Akira, let me try to give some recommendations on your passage.

For instance, whenipone first came outthe first edition of iPhone released , it hasn't has not the function of as Siri(Is this a mobile phone brand?) , one of the most significiant inovations in 21stsignificant innovations in the 21st century . While, nowadays, we can easily find that people use Siri to make a phone call or search on the internet. Thus, due to the well-adopted technology, we share the magic of hi-technology high-technology.

for academic writing there is a rule if you do not write short cut. for instance : hasn't become has not
and you have to be aware with article and spelling.
thanks, hope it can helps
OP akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 11, 2015   #3
Thanks Iran! Much appreciated for your advice!

Btw, Siri is not the mobile brand. It's a new function of Iphone since the edition of Iphone 5 released.:)
OP akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 13, 2015   #4
Many Thanks for your kind advice!

TJLuschen

!

I've learned a lot from your revise from a local American perspective. Your advice is quite valuable for me.

And I change "Admittedly, the new technological devices will be more accepted by the young for its fresh innovation."to" Admittedly, the new technological devices seems be more popular among the young since they like follow the trend of owning new technological items". Is it seems better?

Much appreciate for your great help!
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 13, 2015   #5
Yes, that is better, but you could eliminate the repetition of "new technological" and make it more natural by saying something like:

Admittedly, the new technological devices see[m ] be more popular among the young since they like [to] follow the trend of owning [the latest high-tech] items.
OP akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 13, 2015   #6
Thanks a lot,TJLuschen!

According to your advice, i revise some sentences as following.Are they seem be clear now?

"Certainly, these high-tech devices bring astonishing influence in our life and obvious difference in our mind"
change to
"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and make obvious changes in our mind."

"Thus, due to the well-adopted technology, we share the magic of hi-technology."
change to
"Thus, we share the magic of high-technology as we can control our phone with the voice now, which cannot be imagined in the past."

Much appreciate for your great help!
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 13, 2015   #7
"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and make obvious changes in our mind."

Yes, this is better, but what are the obvious changes they make? If you let me know what you have in mind, maybe I can suggest an even clearer phrase.

"Thus, we share the magic of high-technology as we can control our phone with the voice now, which [could not have been] imagined in the past."

This is much better, though you didn't get the tense quite right. I admit it is a very tricky tense there!
OP akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 15, 2015   #8
Many thanks for your nice comments, TJLuschen!

"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and make obvious changes in our mind."

I want to say high-tech devices changes our lives a lot in every field,such us having cellphone for convenient connect with each other. I want write briefly about this change. Do I need to list one of them?

I'd appreciate a lot if you help me to rewrite this sentence. :)
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 16, 2015   #9
I guess I would just avoid saying that they change our mind or our thought processes, unless you wanted to talk about how they may make us more impatient or more prone to boredom. But that is not your main point here. So I would just say something like:

"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and profoundly change the way we spend our time and do our work."
OP akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 16, 2015   #10
WOW´╝üThanks for reminding me what i may not be aware of, TJLuschen!

Your advice really helped me a lot.:)


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