Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

The new technology killed our traditions.


ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 23, 2011   #1
Hi Guys
thank you in advance for your comments and suggestions
Cross your fingers for my next week IELTS Test
Aria

Q: When a country develops its technology, the traditional akills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

When it comes to the effect of new technologies on our traditional style, some people think it killed our older methods, while other consider our old tradition can remains and survives. I believe the most of our technologies are the continuous development of our traditional one and some of them can stay along with the new ones. Moreover, the traditional styles can survive, if have their recognized value.

Most of the time, the technological development in a country is not a new starting, and countries just try to improve their own way of production in a new method that have a faster speed. For example, Japan was and still is a one of the most important producer of products such as pearl or silk in the world. The new technology in these two goods helps the Japanese to keep up their production paces rather than modifying that.

Moreover, if a traditional method is not interfering with new technology, there is always chance to survive. In the market today we have different kind of some food products such as wine in 2 different ways of industrial scaled produced and homemade products. Each ones have their own consumers then both method of production can still be used.

At the end, both old-fashioned style and new style have their own market preferences. Sometimes the values of the traditional style could be far beyond of the newer method. For example, years ago some countries start to develop a new way to produce rugs by machine rather than man made ones. Despite the existence of those cheap machine made rugs, the handcrafted one still are more expensive but popular.

In a nutshell, the effect of technological developments on traditional methods cannot be significant, because, new technologies are modified traditional styles. The old styles can survive the market as long as they do not interfere with products of new technologies, and there are also some old-fashioned made products, which are more popular despite of their higher expenses.

dcan 1 / 3  
Apr 23, 2011   #2
Not too bad. First the opening:

When it comes to the effect of new technologies on our traditional style, some people think it killed our older methods, while other consider our old tradition can remains and survives.

This is a bit rough. Try this: "Some people think new technologies destroy traditional methods. Others believe the old traditions can remain and thrive."

This is your thesis statement in a nutshell: "I believe that most technological improvement is the result of continuous improvement of traditional methods. However, instead of being replaced, traditional methods can survive if they have a recognized value." Then you need to provide arguments to defend your position against what your (imaginary) opponent might say.

The new technology in these two goods helps the Japanese to keep up their production paces rather than modifying that.

This doesn't make sense. You are saying the new technology only allows the Japanese to maintain their existing pace of production without making any changes, neither speeding them up nor slowing them down. I think what you meant to say is:

Technological improvements in these two industries increased production speed without altering the basic techniques used.

The above is representative of my thoughts on the remainder of the essay. Overall I think your general argument is sound. However, you need to work a bit more on grammar and syntax because the overall flow can be tough to read.

CAVEAT: I am not familiar with the IELTS test, so this may be considered a normal acceptable essay in that test. However, to most native English speakers it would sound a bit odd and disjointed. Your argument does however make sense as a whole. Just brush up a bit on the grammar and syntax and it should be fine.

PS: I commend you on learning English. It has very confusing rules for a non-native speaker.

Good luck!
OP ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 24, 2011   #3
Thank you David
Those are a very on point correction . I like suggestion like that, because they show the way that we can see better our weakness and help us to think english rather than our native language. I will appreciate your further comments.

Aria
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Apr 25, 2011   #4
Nice job here, Aria!

And thanks David, for the great feedback you gave.

..while others consider our...

old tradition can to have remained and survived.

I believe the most of our technologies are the continuous development of our traditional one and some of them can stay along with the new ones. ----Well said!

Moreover, the traditional styles can survive, if we continue to recognize their value.

At the end, both old-fashioned styles and new styles have their...

In a nutshell, the effect of technological developments on traditional methods cannot be significant, because, new technologies are modified traditional styles.---Beautifully explained!

:-)
Kwonbeast - / 2  
Apr 26, 2011   #5
Very valid points on your argument, I especially like the part where you said the handcrafted rugs are more expensive and popular. Your essay definitely answers the question and supports good arguments to back yourself up.


Home / Writing Feedback / The new technology killed our traditions.